Very slowly, the feeling of release is creeping into my life. I’ve never found much comfort or appropriateness in the common notion of “letting go.” That well-worn expression has too much the feeling of disengagement, stepping out of the situation, abandonment.
I find it much easier to embrace the notion of “release”. It has all the feeling of an unfolding flower. It allows me to be fully present while releasing control. I let the situation unfold, but never step away from it.
When I experience release, I no longer experience constraints. The feeling of discomfort, or dis-ease, departs. All my life, I have struggled to be free of the constraints that society, my culture places on me. All the while, it has mostly been my internal struggle to release myself from my adopted notions of how things are. When I experience release, I feel like I have finally come home.
My meditation pillow is my training platform. When I meditate, I rapidly slip into a state of release. I leave all notions of my body, the room, the world behind and release myself into a formless space. My stepping-off point is my breath. Being aware of my breath, then releasing that feeling of physicality as I become aware that I am aware, allows me to enter into that formless space. I have a deep and full feeling of release as the experience of an unfolding flower saturates my presence.
For me, this is a release into something that must be like an experience of absorption. Concentration does not arise by force. Instead, concentration arises when I release my notion of how things are. More likely, I am releasing my mind from any notion of what things should be like.
Release does not just happen but results from an extended progression for a gradual seclusion from my notions of reality. It is a gradual relinquishment from all I have learned, from all my mental and emotional constraints. I am gradually able to be free, released from physical and emotional disturbances.
In time, I am becoming released from all I know, from the constraints of knowledge. I am no longer sure of anything. I am especially not sure of what others tell me. I constantly ask myself, “Are you sure?” The question releases my mind from the constricting moorings of certitude. I become slightly awash in a sea of infinite possibilities.
I am but a beginner in this business of release. It is something of a new experience for me. I am discovering, however, that when I intend to release, I become released. That is an experience of fullness, energy and joy. I feel like I have come home.