It is very hard to shed the myth of singularity. The notion of loving one person and only one person still haunts me in so many ways. And that notion is absolutely wrong. It is so contrary to my experience, and yet it still lurks in the periphery of my awareness.
I have been taught in thousands of ways that loving more than one person somehow diminishes the love you have of each. It just doesn’t work that way. As I distance myself more and more from this unreliable notion of singularity, I find that the depth of love and affection simply grows as the perimeter of people I love expands. I have been misled.
While a lot of people rely on the idea of “just one love” in their lives, singularity is just not true. It actually causes problems such as jealousy, possessiveness, and control. By its nature, singularity is exclusive, it excludes the rest of humankind. I lived on the path of singularity for much of my life, and I am realizing how shallow a life that was. It even had a truncating effect on my love for my singular lover.
As I relax and just allow the openness to happen, I find that a lot of people can find an ardent place in my heart. It is still true that I focus individually on those I love. When I am with someone, my attention and felt ardor is focused on them. I am typically not thinking about someone else, nor am I making comparisons. The person with me or receiving attention in any way is the only one I am aware of.
So what to do? Simply indulge, day by day, encounter by encounter. When I am with someone, the connection I feel is out in the open, shared, felt. When we are not together, we are connected in multiple other but more subtle ways.
I choose not to express love in measured out or equal dollops. It simply gushes out in whatever way the situation allows. I find that the size of outpouring is often related to the ability or willingness of someone to receive love. The degree of felt, experienced intimacy is a mutually agreed-upon item. However, I don’t always get this right unless we talk about it.
I probably have never totally bought into the notion of singularity, because there have always been an assortment of men and women I have loved, been in love with. I have, however, been confused about how to express that love, and mostly remained silent about it.
The silence is slowly being lifted. I am gradually taking the bold step of saying “I love you” in relatively clear terms. I’m still mostly indirect in how I say it, but the expressed affection whispers it in soft ways. There are people I have loved for many years that I hope to be able to tell how close to my heart they are. Hopefully that will be some day before either of us dies.
The untruth of singularity has kept both my tongue and my heart silent for too long. Already, I am finding that some people are not at all sure how to handle love clearly or indirectly spoken. I’m also not so adept in how to speak it. Nevertheless, I still think that it is a message we all benefit from hearing. I know what it is like to live a life of muffled messages of love because of the stifling constriction of singularity. I wish to put that aside.
I wish for all those I love that they be free of the notions of singularity with all its pernicious attributes. I wish the same for myself.