Barry Garden Path

It seems like it has been a long time arising, but I am beginning to think I have missed the point about my own sexuality for most of my life.   Of course, I have had the help of a multitude of crusty old misconceptions imposed on me by my culture.   The power and energy of sexuality has to do with so much more than sex.    Sexuality exists beyond the sensual.   Gender is but a peripheral factor.

I am noticing that I am immersed in the energy of my sexuality when I move beyond the sensory and when I realize how I am one with someone else.   Anyone else.   The energy of my sexuality is the innate magnetism that recognizes that we are already connected.   We are one.  We all share in the same energy.

There is no separation, and once I allow myself to be immersed in that insight, there is nothing that separates me from someone else.    Sensory awareness is not really that much of a factor, except perhaps as a gateway that invites me to awareness of unity.   The joy of immersion in this oneness is so much more expansive and beyond sensory.   Eyes, touch, sound can all be gates, but the real sexuality lies beyond the sensory.

Eyes can be a significant link for me.   When eyes meet openly, they speak to one another the fundamental realization that we are one.   Touch is another important communication that we are intimately present to one another, if we can but have that insight.

We carry a common inheritance because we share in the same oneness.    It is immense joy to recognize and be fully aware that we are true princes and princesses.    We are linked by common blood and a long linage of insight and consciousness.    We are one, and for years I have wandered the streets begging for what I already possessed.

How do we waken one another?    The consciousness we carry and possess is the actual spark of divinity, the oneness of our common inheritance.

I feel I have been disinherited by a society that attempts to segregate me, teach me we are all separate, tells me we are not and may not be joined.   I have been taught that we are not the royalty we truly are.

I now know that there is a deep energy in me and everyone I meet that naturally draws us together.   Ours is the oneness that becomes apparent in due course.

 

The experience was more than a little scary.    The fire was roaring behind the glass door of my wood-burning stove.   I slowly opened the door and came face to face with the heat, the sound, and the threat of a fire roaring out of control.    The fire stayed in the stove, of course, but I came face to face with all its fury and heat.  It had all the feeling of being about to leap out off control.

Actually, it didn’t exactly happen that way.    I was at a meeting of the neighborhood Board, and there was no wood-burning stove.   However, it came my time to speak about the resolution I had handed out to the members, and the glass door opened to the full fury of the fire inside of me.   I struggled to keep the energy under control as I spoke with a force I hardly knew had been inside me.

My mind was clear, my body was in motion, I hardly ever struggled for words.   The force and energy was certainly more than I had intended.   I had no plan to push so hard.   But push I did, on the course to the point I wanted to make.

I know this is part of what is happening to me as I become more accustomed to being present, in the moment.   I trust myself to be present, there is little fear, I don’t reach into the future to worry about what might happen.   I ride on a huge wave of freedom.    Last night it was like finding myself on a wild, galloping stallion.    There seemed to be no way of stopping, only racing forward and staying the course.   The  path seemed bright and clear.

I am surprised by the level of clarity and conviction that accompanies mindfulness.    It is like someone has turned on the bright lights, and all is apparent.   The broad illuminating light of my searching mind seems sometimes to narrow and focus all its energy on a small but suddenly radiant something.   It could focus on someone, on an object, or on something that exists only in my imagination.    The effect is often the same as my mind seems to tap into the energy of whatever is present with me.

Maybe this is what happens when I open to the fiery oneness that appears when I open my awareness.    With nothing separating me and whatever there is, the full fury and energy is exposed.   It leaps and consumes, but still is contained in the moment.

There are times the fire is overwhelming.   I think I want to be careful how much I expose others to it.

 

 

 

Each day I amble through my life, uncertain of the decisions I make.   These can be little decisions and big ones, but I really don’t know what the outcome will be.    The consequences are more conjectured than assured.   It sometimes has seemed that being a human is quite lacking in certainty.

I don’t remember begin given a page of directions when I was born.    I did have the benefit of two young, loving parents who themselves were unsure of what to do about many things.   They probably were uncertain what their lives were about, yet did their best.

My new and open mind soon absorbed directions from all around me and I learned in many small ways to make sense of it all.   No one was able to tell me where this all led.

My culture, of course, instructed me in how to live, how to behave, how to get along with others so that we might form a uniform society.    I shaped my every day on the expectations of my parents, of my school teachers, of my social leaders.

Nothing was more penetrating than the directions given me by my catholicism.    I relied on teachers, writers, ancient men and women to tell me how to live.    It was often a struggle to decipher their directions, to find meaning in what they left behind.    There were many voices who mumbled or shouted at me, and I strained to learn from them.   For a long time, I followed the example of Francis and his progeny, until I realized y humanity spoke to me of a different path.    That way also left little certainty.

I became more hesitant and cautious about the advice and direction I got from others.   No source seemed to give me reliable advice on how to live or make sense of the world.

As time has passed, I am finding that, like the label inside my jeans, the most reliable directions came inside and were there all the time.   “Machine wash cold, use no bleach, tumble dry warm”.

In side me are the simple directions:  “Pay attention, be amazed, love profusely.”    I may not be certain of the outcome, but that has become less important.   Now I think it is time for me to follow the directions that accompanied me.   That will be enough.

I am slowly unlearning all  the crusty advice and conditioning I’ve received from the moment I was born.    I’m learning to pay attention to the directions I brought with me when I entered this world.

It was a familiar visit to the Ordway theater.   I was there for a pre-performance reception and I was looking around for where the reception was taking place.   This was a unique event and I was looking around for where the special reception might be happening.   I noticed a wide open door between two walls and began walking into the next room.

I had walked perhaps five steps before I suddenly realized I was walking toward a wide, floor to ceiling mirror.   I saw, in a flash of realization, how the mirror reflected the complete contents of the room in which I was standing.

I had experienced all the sensation and perception of an open room beyond the imagined doorway.   Lights shined, color and shapes filled the space.   There were people and familiar objects that I had vaguely recognized.    It was like stepping out of a dream when I realized that all I had seen was a reflection of the room in which I stood.   Everything around me was as big and expansive, full of color and shapes, peopled by activity as the room I had been walking into.

Had I actually been walking into a room that existed only in my own mind!

Such is my experience of being in a bedroom that every day seems to surround me with walls and fabric, color and shapes.   I slowly move into a reality that exists only in my attention to them.

I hear the noise of passing cars, and I become aware of cars that my mind constructs from the waves of sound touching my ears.   I touch the sheets of my bed, and I know the impression of fabric and softness.   I glance at my stack of books, and they stir my notion of covers and pages.

Everything around me is a reflection of notions I carry within my consciousness.  The angles, color and firmness of the walls are all familiar to me.    With only a casual glance from me, they seem to correspond to the notion, the construct of lavender walls of my bedroom.

I live in a mirrored world, populated by images and notions I carry within me.   How can I be truly present in such a world.   How do I become not just aware off it but deeply, intimately involved with it.

When I stare into this mirror world, I often try to simply be present to myself.   I slowly become aware of my own body, my own presence.   Just as slowly, I observe that I am part of that mirror world, it is part of me.   I put one foot in front of the other and we walk together into my mirror world, into another day.

I once thought it was enough to see and feel my world in three dimensions.   It was wonderful.    Now I know there is more.   No, I don’t mean another dimension, like the fourth dimension.   I simply understand that there is something  beyond sensory.   I am learning to touch and see that something with my mind and body.

My days are different now.   Last evening, I dipped my hand into the bag and pulled out a handful of tasty chips, the multigrain type with salt and a rich nutty flavor.   I slowly put the chips into my mouth, one by one.    I chewed each chip, feeling it break apart slowly in my mouth.   Each chip got more than 20 chews of my attention.    Each chip was all I was aware of until I swallowed it and moved a new chip in its place.

It took me quite a while to eat a small handful of chips, but I think I must have tasted and felt each one of them with my whole body.    When I had eaten the last one, that was enough.    Each chip had made its full presence felt.    I tasted more than the salt and nutty flavor.   I went way beyond the sensory impressions.    I was aware what I was doing in a very intimate way.

Other nights, I would have had many more than one handful, munching through each chip as I put another in my mouth.    The taste demanded more and more chips, and I distractedly shoveled them in.   The salt wanted the sensation of more salt.    Finally, I would stop, mainly when I realized that my taste hunger had filled my stomach with chips.   Eating had become, at best, simple entertainment.

I want each chip encounter of my life to stir that same intimate, penetrating awareness.   I want the distinction between me and each chip to melt away.   I want to penetrate the distinction between me and every chip I see or touch.    I want to savor not only what I put into my mouth, but every other being or thing I touch or see.

I want to know the slimy bodies of the fish I see when I feed them each morning.   I want to be absorbed by the hardness of the pavement as I walk across the parking lot.    I want to experience the living presence of the woman I spoke to as we entered Target.

I love the beauty of the world I see around me.   I am also in awe of all that lies beyond what I see.    There is more than meets the eye, and it is exciting to explore.

 

The Ten Mindful Movements are a wonderful way of connecting the mind and body in mindfulness.    Here are the first five:

MINDFUL MOVEMENT #1

Begin with your feet slightly apart, arms at your sides.  Breathing in, keep your elbows straight as you life your arms in front of you until they’re shoulder level, horizontal to the ground.  Breathing out, bring your arms down again to your sides.  Repeat the movement three more times.

 

MINDFUL MOVEMENT #2

Begin with your arms at your sides.  Breathing in, lift your arms in front of you.  In one continuous movement, bring them all the way up, stretching them above your head.  Touch the sky!  This movement can be done with your palms either facing inward toward each other, or facing forward as you reach up.   Breathing out, bring your arms slowly down again to your sides.  Repeat three more times.

 

MINDFUL MOVEMENT #3

Breathing in, lift your arms out to the side, palms up, until your arms are shoulder level, parallel to the ground.   Breathing out, touch your shoulders with your fingertips, keeping your upper arms horizontal.  Breathing in, open your arms, extending them until they’ve stretched out to a horizontal position again.   Breathing out bend your elbows, bringing your fingertips back to your shoulders.

When you breathe in, you are like a flower opening to the warm sun.   Breathing out, the flower closes.   From this position with your fingertips on your shoulders, do the movement three more times.  Then lower your arms back down to your sides.

 

MINDFUL MOVEMENT #4

In this exercise, you make a large circle with your arms.  Breathing in, bring your arms straight down in front of you, centered between your hips, palms together.   Raise your arms up and separate your hands so your arms can stretch up over your head.  Breathing out, continue the circle, arms circling back, until your fingers point toward the ground.  Breathing in, life your arms back and reverse the circle.  Breathe out as your bring your palms together and your arms come down in front of you.   Repeat three more times.

 

MINDFUL MOVEMENT #5

Start by putting your hands on your waist.   As you do this exercise, keep your legs straight but not locked, and your head centered over your body.  Breathing in, bend forward at the waist and begin to make a circle with your upper body.  When you’re halfway through the circle, your upper body leaning back, breathe out and complete the circle, ending with your head in front of you while you’re still bent at the waist.  On your next in-breath begin a circle in the opposite direction.   On your out-breath, complete the circle.   Repeat the series of movements three more times.

 

Each of these mindful movements can be accompanied by an illustration.    For a copy, contact:  barryschade@gmail.com

Five more mindful movements will be described on another page of  barrygardenpath.com

(This is the current draft of a talk I plan to give at the BH Sangha on October 18)

When I joined the BH Sangha, I ran into an immediate stumbling block:  the third Mindfulness Training that deals with sexual misconduct.

I cringed: ‘Here we go again, social custom trying to dictate spiritual practices.’

‘More Monk talk.’

‘Besides, what does sex have to do with mindfulness training!’

 

It has taken nearly two years to change my attitude about the third Mindfulness Training.

It has taken reading much of what Thay has said about love and sex.

It has taken listening to and reading other teachers.

I can give you references, but now I am going directly to my conclusions

At this point, I think that, like the other 4 mindfulness trainings, #3 is about gaining insight

Mark Nunberg and thers taught me this.

The path of true sex, good sex, is about insight.

 

I think that the mindfulness training on sexuality like the other four mindfulness trainings,

Training on sexuality is a training in mindfulness, in insight

 

Sitting in meditation is a training in mindfulness.

It’s where I learn: This is what it feels like.

Such is so with the third mindfulness training.

 

The third mindfulness training is not a standard of right and wrong, but a suggestion of how to act to become more mindful, more aware, more insightful, more enlightened.

This mindfulness training is my own personal sex education.

Sex training is taking, the practice of being mindful off the cushion and into my daily life.

Into the present moment.

 

Let me make this more concrete.

 

Just like practicing mindful eating, I think practicing mindful sex has three aspects.          The most obvious one is restraint.

We all choose to be celibate at various times, and that restraint is an opportunity to grow in awareness of our sexuality.

Walking past the case of pies at Cub and choosing not to eat deepens awareness of what good eating is about.

 

I go to class twice a week at the U of M, look around the room of 240 young students.

in the words once spoken by a monk in a similar situation, “I like but I do not want.”

At that moment I am in touch with and very aware of my sexuality.

I know very well what it feels like to be alive.

It is practice.

 

A second aspect of training in mindful sex is being attentive to the ideal.

I think this means opening my mind to what is possible with mindful sex.

It also means being aware of the harm of unmindful, sexual misconduct.

It means paying attention to both favorable and unfavorable consequences.

Maybe, after being sexual in a not very mindful way, you’ve felt ‘not so good’ afterwards.

Remember what it felt like after you know you ate too much.

I remember that I could expect a fight, a row with my partner after we were sexual.   I never learned from it.

 

And the third aspect of training in mindful sex is the practice.

It means practicing actually being fully present.

As Thay describes, I take awareness from the first level of a sensory experience to the second level of unity.

Not just one flesh, but much more.

Like all mindfulness practice, I learn, have the insight that there is more and opens me to experience it.

 

Mindful Sex is like mindful eating of food.

Eating food can be primarily sensory, exciting, entertainment.

Sex can be primarily sensory, exciting and entertainment,

Eating mindfully increases insight into eating.

Mindful sexual activity increases insight

 

Mindful, aware sex is natural, good sex.

It is loving sex, naturally.

Reb Anderson taught me, in spite of what society tells me, we are all joined, we are not separate.

It reminds me that we actually are interdependent, connected.

Mindful sex can be a natural, concrete experience of that connectedness.

It can nourish, comfort, inspire.

Good conduct sex is practice in awareness.

It can increase awareness

 

The energy I feel in my body almost always comes from a sense of unity.   Foremost, the energy is associated with an awareness of my body and ‘where’ it is, where I perceive my body to be.   An electric response in me is always part of whatever awareness I am experiencing.   The awareness can be from a simple sensory awareness to deep insightful presence.

This sense of unity can arise from the flowers I pass as I walk through my garden.    It can be in the light touch of my hand on the bathroom counter.    It often is in the touch of someone’s hand or shoulder.   It is what arises in a deep, lingering hug.

The natural energy wants, is anxious to flow.    When it does flow, I experience a flood of joy.

I have heard that Freud had a notion that sexual energy was the basic energy.   I think that this can be true, except that “sexual energy” is usually too narrowly defined.   Like the debate over whether something is ‘a particle or a wave,’ it depends on what you are looking for.

Whether the experience of unity and the flow of energy is ‘sexual’ or not depends, I think, on the angle from which it is viewed.    The reference is in the mind of the individual, but the energy is the same, the sense of unity is the same.   To consider the unity and flow of energy as either sexual or not sexual probably obscures the vastness of the reality.

Sexual images are symbols, reflections of the unity I seek with all people, all things.  The symbols can become a distraction, and an invitation to grasping or aversion.   I prefer to see the basic, intense and core energy as reaching for unity with all that is.    The energy creates a force that wants to join all things, all people, the visible and the unseen.    It wants unity, it wants to flow.

The natural affinity I feel for all beings and inanimate things is like gravity between two natural objects, the moon and earth, the sun and planets, an apple and the ground.  I see it as an underlying attractive force that draws us together.    It is the natural unity that already exists, and it can be intensified by my expanding consciousness, by my greater awareness.   Then the energy can flow and I experience it.

I am grateful that I am drawn to unity and that I can be aware of the attraction that I often feel.   I am grateful that I am learning to deepen awareness and experience the joyful flow of energy.

 

 

Sitting on a cushion meditating is called ‘practice.’   It is a practice at being mindful.   Really, I think my whole life is constant practice.    It shapes my mind, I get insight, I understand the nature of things, I learn how to act.  I teach my mind.

To make it happen, however, I need to be aware, really in the moment.    Otherwise my life turns into one mindless, habit-forming step after another.

When my mind is present, I am gaining insight.    I  am learning how not to base my life on ‘should’ but on awareness, insight, understanding.   When  my mind and heart are present in this time and  space, I know what is happening in this time and space.

By practicing, by acting according to the nature of things, I gain greater insight into their true nature.   A tool is of use only when I use it, and it is in the use of the tool I learn more about its true nature and potential.  My mind can be my tool.  Everything I mindfully experience is my tool.

Such is so for all of my human nature.    By being present in the moment, by being aware of what is happening, I gain insight in my nature.   By acting according to the insight, I am practicing being human.    And so I gain further insight, if I am paying attention.   Then I can have more insightful, skillful practice.

I think I have multiple portals into my world, and the portals primarily are through my senses.   These are points of connection that allow me to have awareness, an awareness that can with practice create unity, oneness.   These portals can be a simple glance, a deep listening, a touch.    These portals open an awareness that can plunge me into deep insight, a deep place of connection.

There are many ways of describing these portals, and one of them is sexual.   What I identify as sexual awareness, through sight, touch, smell, etc., can be a portal to a deep awareness and insight into another being.    It can be a very facile portal, making me instantly and intensely aware of another being.  Sexual awareness can put me very much in the moment.   It is full of energy and intensity.

In fact, the level of sensory intimacy and energy can be so overwhelming that it can dominate, pull me out of the moment, encourage grasping.   Want the moment to last.  It is easy to grasp at the sensory excitement and miss the opportunity to experience the oneness of the deeper awareness.

Sex can be an intense taste of what it is like to be in the moment, an opportunity to plunge into the deeper insight and awareness of union.   Grasping at that moment, however, is not the same as staying in the moment.   I can be quickly aware that the moment of intensity has passed unless I have let go, stopped grasping and plunged deeper.

This same dynamic can be experienced in a simple touch when my hand senses skin on skin, and my awareness can either linger there or plunge into a unifying awareness of the being I am touching.   The energy of this moment of awareness can flow freely if I am in the present moment, not grasping for that moment to stay.   The energy of illumination flows if I allow it.    The oneness becomes real for me.

I think that what teachers like Thay call sensual love can be mostly neutral.   It is a momentary opportunity to choose the way of deep awareness or choose to remain in dark ignorance.   The experience can be so intense that it lures me to stay with the sensory aspects, not learn.   This is a missed opportunity to choose the insight and unity commonly called love.

Practice leads to a desired outcome.   Repeated choices of a familiar portal into deeper awareness makes it more likely that unity and insight will result.

The portal involving sexuality  is powerful.    It can be a distraction into narrow, unskilled thinking and behavior.   It can also be a vast opening into skillful  thinking and skillful union.