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Every letting go is practice for the moment when I must let go of life.   Death is part of my future as sure as the sun will set this evening and plunge today into darkness.

It is a paradox that loving prepares me for my ultimate letting go in death. Loving anyone means respecting their basic impermanence.   At first glance it would seem that loving is a kind of embracing, clinging.   It has become clear to me that love of someone also means letting go, not expecting them to be within the circle of my existence.   It means allowing them to be totally in their own orbit, independent of mine.

It is sheer delight when the orbits are adjacent or even matching.   But I can make no attempt to shape their reality into mine, as attractive as that might seem.

Being wholly present while at the same time fully letting go is preparation for the larger letting go yet to come.   Then I will be drawn to let go of the life I think I have come to know so well.

I forgot to mention that letting go, even when accepted, can be painful.

I’ve become convinced of the importance of maintaining walls.  There are times that a wall gets built without my awareness of its progress.  But once built, I want to recognize its presence, perhaps its importance.   I think that Brenda and I built a wall over many years, but now that same wall is a part of the landscape that we both respect.   It serves me well, and I  suspect her experience is similar.

A wall does not mean a lack of compassion.    In fact it allows for more respect.   In my case, the wall between Brenda and me recognizes that our lives are no longer co-mingled, except for our mutual interest in Nathan and Sorin.   Her side of the wall is a foreign country, another universe.   What happens on either side of the wall stays there.

I have no interest in what goes on beyond the wall, except perhaps for catastrophic events or matters that affect Nathan and Sorin.   I am relatively sure that the same is true of her.   Like me, she would rather not know.

The wall is an important feature of my secret garden.   Only select people are allowed to enter, and only by my choice.  The wall protects and contains.   It helps me focus on  the tasks I want to do.

For similar reasons, I build other walls.   For two months, I have walled myself off from news on the radio and newspaper.   I finally realized how illusory and misguiding the news had become, and I want to live separate from that news.   While I am interested in the true nature of events, I know that the representation of those events in the news is false.

The same its true of religions.   I have gradually come to see that religions show me a fantasy, a make-believe view of the world.   I shield myself  from the illusions of religion.   I prefer to become more mindful of the world as I experience it, illusory as that is.

Until they no longer serve their purpose, I think my walls must remain.

 

 

 

We are tumbling into a new and bright future. However the process promises to be difficult for most of us and we will hardly recognize the outcome.   Looking around, it appears to a casual glance, that the structures that have supported our way of life are bending if not crumbling.   A great change has begun.

 

The daily news reports that the pillars of our stable climate are at least shifting if not disappearing.   The vast amount of ice which is a basis for the current world climate is melting.   This is the climate we have evolved to prosper in, and we too will need to change as our climate changes.

 

The forces of nature, in their own time, have been adjusting, making corrections in response to this new-comer on the planet we call homo sapiens.   It has only been about 20,000 years since humankind began showing a new level of intelligence and influence on the earth.   We humans set in motion forces we barely understood then or now.   When we made changes to our environment , the forces of nature adjusted, in their own time.   Nothing personal mind you, just the basic laws of physics.

 

Something about action and reaction.   Because of our new intelligence, we humans have been empowered to make changes and have impacts that are huge.   You might even say earth-moving.   The mechanics of the earth are gigantic in size.   It is a testament to our intelligence that we have been able to leverage aspects of the earth causing them to shift, to move, to adjust. All this has happened in only 20,000 years.

 

Until now, those changes have been minor, even masterful.   Early on, we brought about changes such as getting rid of competing species of humans.   Replacing mega fauna like bison, mammoths and great cats with domesticated animals were also some of our early accomplishments.   So was changing vast prairies and woodlands into farm country.   The earth adjusted, but in small ways.

 

At some point we began to get out of hand, and humans began releasing carbon giants from under the ground.  Then we lost control of the direction of human development and the laws of nature began to respond.   The forces of human intelligence began thrashing out of control and required a serious response from nature.   What seems like nature running out of control is simply a natural reaction, a counter balance to the lack of control by human intelligence.   Mother nature has to grab the wheel, take control because humans have lost control.

 

If we’re lucky, that won’t mean that we have to be eliminated to make the necessary adjustments.   That is uncertain.   What is certain is that the laws of physics, the natural laws will win out and prevail.  In the end, there remains physics.

 

Unfortunately, the human forces of greed and consumption have become so strong that the corrective response by nature will likely be equally strong.   The adjustment will be great.   Many will suffer and die.   That includes humans and other forms of evolved life.   All will have to adjust. It is the same scenario that has played out for over 3 billion years.

 

The future will belong to those who have learned to live in balance with the forces of nature.   That includes plants, animals, and humans.   We have evolved a great intellect and powers no one could have imagined even a hundred years ago.   Our Prometheus Fire has served us well and has given direction to our own evolution.   Now it is forcing great changes in nature and in us.   We unwittingly, perhaps blindly, are forcing our own evolution.

 

We seem incapable to accurately predict the adjustments nature is making.   There is little history to base accurate predictions on.   We can make some general predictions about our environment, changes such as shifting weather, sea levels, melting ice.   We can also make some broad predictions of the adjustments that must be made by surviving humans.

 

As we look around, some of the seeds of those adjustments are already being sown by mindful humans.   We can predict that it will be a future much less dominated by consumption. Humans will follow a common, simpler lifestyle that no longer feeds the personal furnaces of the greedy few.

 

Our mega houses of cards will crumble, and we will build on a smaller scale.   We will live in smaller communities, closer to our sources of sustenance. Growth in technology will be governed by conscious needs and not by consumer fascination with new things.

 

Large government is already showing its inability to promote the welfare of its citizens or the earth.   Large government worked when there was cooperation among the leaders, when there was common purpose in support of the many.   In so many places, the personal interests of the leaders, including their clinging on to power, have eclipsed the welfare of the human race, and we are seeing and feeling the crumbling effects.   We know in our hearts this is not working, and the time of the large dinosaurs has once again passed.   Big is no longer better.

 

We are entering a new time when smaller communities will better serve the survival and sustenance of the many.   It is a future of smaller communities, local rule, formation of loose confederations of cooperation rather than rule and competition.   We will recognize we are joined together in the interest of survival and create social structures that make that happen.

 

We have already seen and felt the effects of the inability of humans to agree, cooperate and compromise.   The process of governing must be put back into the hands of humans who have a vision of cooperation and survival.

 

The strident and bull-headed humans are not the best of our species, and they are destined eventually for extinction because their way is not the way of survival for this species.  This is nothing but the forces of evolution at work.  If we don’t cooperatively adjust to the changing world, we won’t survive.

 

We don’t succeed when we try to force biology, when we work against the inherent intelligence and compassion of our species.   These are traits that have served us well so far.   We succeed most profoundly when we stir and enhance the forces of our humanity, when we support the unique powers we have.

 

This is nothing new.   It has happened many times before when a subset of a population, capable of adjusting, survives and becomes the dominant species in the next era.   It is the law of nature, as best we understand it.   That is hopefully our future.

I’ve noticed that love opens a place where pain can enter in.   Accepting that is how I grow.   That is the message I sometimes hear from Rilke, and it is an awareness I carry in my heart.   I carry a lasting memory of those I have loved.   You might say I refuse to “get over” them.

To be clear, I am not referring to romantic love, but a deeper  penetrating opening of my heart.   Romantic love can be a messenger of smiles and laughter, inviting grasping.   It is perhaps the bait for entering into a place of deeper love.   The deeper open-heartedness is an invitation, without strings, to be present.   In romantic love, it may never occur, or may heal over after a time.

The openness is in reality a wound, an exposure to pain.   I tell myself, “Don’t let it heal over.”   I do not want an insulating barrier to form.   The wound, including the pain, may be my personal passage to becoming present to the vast world.   The paradox is that my open-heart provides entry to others, and gives me expansion, freedom.

I am still wondering if I have to become covered with wounds of love to be wholly connected to the world.   Is that how I become closely connected to my companions and beyond?    Must my heart be pounded and pierced by love until it becomes all-loving?   Is this what opening my heart really means, and that the searing pain is about to come?  Perhaps.

As much as the process  of open-heartedness is difficult and sometimes painful, with acceptance I do seem to grow.  It actually gets easier.    I also learn to let go, not cling and grasp.   Sometimes I rebel against all this, but then I seem to find my way again.

I am determined to continue on this path.

 

When I am thinking of my ancestral heritage, I usually focus on my immediate precursors.   These are the couple of generations that showed up on the family tree that my Mom helped me draw back when she could still remember names and dates.

Lately, I have been reminded that all the cells in my body, all the parts of me, have a much deeper history.    My ancestral blood flowed not just a few generations or a few millennia ago.   It has parts that were flowing in the blood vessels of ancestors at least a  couple hundred thousand, perhaps a couple million years ago.   Most of the DNA and RNA have been handed down for many million years.   There have been little changes along the way, but most of it, most of me, is very, very old.    Maybe it even existed before the dinosaurs.

In fact, there are parts of my blood that probably go back more than 3 billion years.    Quite a family tree.   Organelles that worked their way into the original cells came from pre-existing bacteria.   They have a lineage that goes back to the early times of the young earth.

If I start taking those cells apart, the molecules and elements that were brought together to form the first terrestrial life-forms had been there on earth for another billion years.    And before that they were star dust that can be tracked back more than 13 billion years.

Everything that is part of me has been around a very long time.   Today my fingers may take the shape of fingers, but the “parts” have a common origin as far back as we can imagine.   Even then, we have to imagine very hard to get back to the source.

I am trying to keep my attention on the now, this very moment.   But it is hard not to be distracted by the memory of my ancient origins.    I also remember that all of us have the same origin, out of the same stuff.    Without the dimension of time, all things are of one source.

 

 

I want to live my life one step at a time, each step taking me across a threshold I will never cross again, a threshold that invites me into a surprising newness I could not foresee.

I started blogging primarily to become more in touch with my own inner life.   Writing takes me deeper inside, and putting my experience in words sharpens my vision.    Choosing words also is also helping me to be more articulate when trying to explain what goes on inside of me, in my head and in my heart.   Being open to myself has allowed me to be more open with others.

It didn’t take me long to realize that, by sharing this awareness, I was also inviting my friends and companions to be witnesses of my inner life.   They are the truth-keepers, ones who see best who I really am.   They are the ones best prepared to support me, to nudge me along, to nourish me.

This practice in transparency has spilled over in how I able to talk about my inner life.    Not only am I aware better of what is going on and have words to describe it.    I have little anxiety about who will see me as I really am.   It supports my determination to be myself, not put up facades, not pretend to be more than I am.   The practice has a tendency to make me more humble but still glad to be me.

Becoming aware has resulted in my heart being open much more than it has in the past.  I have known this for at least a year, that situations and people enter into my heart more readily as I learn to see them in deeper ways.   I’ve thought of this a lot, practiced, noticed how my feelings about people touch me on a deeper level the more I am absorbed by this awareness.

What I haven’t thought about much is how this makes me much more vulnerable.  Having an open heart doesn’t necessarily mean a wise heart.   I haven’t practiced much on how to become wise about how I handle that vulnerability, the exposure to pain.   The enthusiasm a puppy feels doesn’t come with a dose of wisdom.

I am glad that I can take myself to a place of repose.   Usually it is a few breaths away.   But I have to know it is time to “breathe.”   I don’t always recognize when it is important to breathe.   It is the breath that helps me stay.   When I remember to breathe, I can stay in the present much easier. The vulnerability and pain are still there.   But when I accept them, not try to make them go away, I suffer so much less.

I want to recognize and accept my vulnerability, not make it go away.    I want to look boldly at my pain of separation and imagined loss, and breathe in the pain.    I want to accept it as part of me.    I choose to keep my heart open.

It has been my intent to share the same orbit with my close friends but not be drawn into an orbit around them.   I think I now recognize what it feels like to get wobbly in my own orbit and begin to yield to the gravitational pull from someone else.   I had the concept;  now I know what it feels like.   Now I think I am recovering my own stability in my own orbit.   Letting go helps.

I am amazed how the morning brings me clarity.  Sometimes, like today, the clarity comes on a silver platter.   I think my heart is like an puppy, overcome with enthusiasm.   I have learned very well how to open my heart up, something I seem to do with increasing ease.   Sometimes my enthusiastic heart runs around, jumps up on people.   Probably makes them uneasy.

Staying is as hard for me as it is for a puppy.   Staying in the present is a skill I have begun to learn, but the puppy sometimes gets out.

My ability to keep a distance in a relationship, to keep to my own orbit, to restrict my engagement is still being formed.   There is a pattern.    I engage, I stumble, I assess, I adjust.    Fortunately there are mornings, like today, when clarity prevails.    Now to get thru the day with that focus.

One of the best times for me to live in the present is when I am standing in front of the mirror in the morning, stirring up the courage to turn on the shower and step into the warm but very wet spray.  The experience of staying in the present, at home inside my body, acutely aware of where I am is best felt in the first hour of my day.   It is my cocoon from which I eventually emerge and attempt to carry that experience of being present, here and now, through the rest of the day.     It gets a little ragged by the end of the day, soI refresh it.

I am living more and more of my life where I am and not so much where I want to be.   While I still do some planning, I do it without so much emphasis on the details.    Above all, I try to stay away from any emotional content of that imaginary future.

I am learning how to do this with my closest and dearest companions.  I am finding it easier to get deeply involved in what is happening right now, not thinking or feeling much of what could be happening in the future.   Not am I more present with them, able to look at them with a much more open heart.   I also find it more satisfying and wonderful.

My life is so much more enjoyable when I stay in the present.   If I put much attention and energy into what might happen or what has already happened, I think I miss a lot of what is going on right now.    My planning for the future is becoming more and more about setting guideposts, not drawing a detailed roadmap.

I recognize that I don’t always life this way, even though it is what I want to do.   However, I am finding that I am able to do it more and more easily and frequently.   I am simply more skilled at living in the present.

I think this is becoming more achievable because I get to do it with great focus and concentration twice a day.   Those times I spin my cocoon around me and become very, very much in the present.   The training works.   I emerge much more focused, and carry that experience with me through the day with growing skill.