Author: barryschade@gmail.com

I am sometimes encouraged to develop a ‘beginners mind’, to put aside notions of reality I already have and to begin again.    For me this is like developing a fresh mind.   I want to develop a steady habit of keeping an open mind with minimal influence from the past or future.    I like to step away from my memories as much as I can and to avoid the planning function of my mind when it does not serve me well.

This, for me, is a habit of fresh mind.

I want to approach most situations without any pre-conceived notion of what is happening.   Maybe this is a matter of becoming totally situational.  This is something my old teachers warned me about.   I now think they were misguided and tried to misguide me.

I like to keep a discerning awareness of what has happened in the past and what is likely to happen as a consequence of what goes on right now.   This especially is true of actions I take.

But I do not want the past or the future to become the default position of my mind.    I want the default position to be what is going on right now.   I want to use the information I have of the past only as it helps, not obscures my awareness of what is happening right now.

I want my fears and my desires for the future to have minimal effect on what I see right now.   I don’t want to rid myself of all fear or all desire, I just want to be in control of how much I am dominated or heavily influenced by them.   I want my fresh mind to have priority in how I see what is happening right now.

As I look at my personal world, I am aware of how much my feelings about the past influence me.   I have absorbed the messages of my culture very well, and those too often guide me in how I see what is happening and how I feel about it.   There are many examples.   My view of being in a nuclear family and how I should feel come not just from my own past experience and what I have been taught.   They are rooted in hundreds of generations of my ancestors and what they learned.

My discernment and feeling about sexuality is likewise highly shaped by my past and all the lessons I have absorbed.   My culture tells me in great detail how I should feel, react and act.   It is hard to have a fresh mind about sex, influenced neither by feelings rooted in the past or desires based on the future.

The same can be applied to how I regard race, community, possessions, friends, property, parenting and so on.

It is a daily struggle to rid my mind of the barnacles of the past and future and to see the day with a fresh mind.   First I want to apply it to myself.   I want to be present to myself with no contamination from the past and with limited planning for the day.   I will then give myself permission, freedom to approach each moment with a fresh mind.   I want to question every notion I bring to my experience.

One of the first things I do in the morning is create moments of fresh mind. Then I am ready to launch freely into an adventure of exploring what happens next.

As I sit and watch the bumble bees bouncing from bloom to bloom on my Hydrangea, I wonder what time is like for them.    Do they have a sense of before and after anything like I experience?   Does time enter into their experience of being alive?   How do they have a sense of how fast they are moving relative to other objects?

Just by watching them, I know that they must have very efficient neural processing because they move so fast.   They change direction so quickly that they must have some way of absorbing and using information that allows such rapid movement.   They seem to avoid bumping into one another and parts of plants.    They would easily evade my hand if I tried to capture one of them.  Their movement, fast as it is, seems adequately and successfully directed.

What would it be for me to experience the passage of time like a bumble bee?   Because I would process information so fast, I think that my world would then seem, by comparison, to move more slowly.   Would I then have more time to react, catch myself from bumping into the door, duck under the branch, dodge the ball coming directly at me?

For the most part, time has seemed to speed up much faster for me.   Does this mean that because the days pass by more quickly that my thinking, my data processing has slowed down.   Has my day become like a movie reduced to half speed to make the characters seem to move faster.

On the other hand, the time I spend in mindfulness practice almost makes time stand still.    Time becomes less and less of a reference point.  I sometimes seem to step outside of time.    I think that this means that part of my mind has changed function.    Rather than slow down, I think that my brain has somehow slipped into overdrive, a place where there is little reference to past and future.   The energy of that place is palpable.

Maybe that is more what the bees experience.    Maybe bee time is focused on the here and now, no past and no future.   The bee reacts without reference to time.   It is only I, the observer, who is constantly referencing the passage of what I know of as time.   Maybe I am learning to live in bee time.

“I am here for you.”   This is the first of six mantras.   It is for me the root of a fountain of loving kindness and the source of deep intimacy.

First, it is a message that I offer to myself.  Before I can be present to anyone else, I had to know what it feels like to be present to myself.   My mind had to fully enter my body, and I had to learn the art of being present where I am.   No future, no  past.  I have learned what it means to be in love with myself, only because I have been able to let go and be with myself, mind and body, just as I am right now.

This has been a source of great joy because I have learned how to express, at a moment’s notice, the feeling of loving kindness to myself.   A wave of contentment flows over my whole self.   Know what it feels like to be present to myself.

The mantra is not a set of magical words but a reminder.    It is learned with practice.   I have had to learn it for myself.   I have in effect rewired my brain.  The words are a reminder of what it felt like when I was present to myself, for myself.   Perhaps the words have become kind of magical because they can summon instantly the feeling of what it felt like all those times I was present to myself and for myself.   I instantly become present.

Being able to conjure up my being present makes it possible for me to be present to anyone I choose.   The words come with the attitude:  I am present for you.   This for me has become an act of love.    Being present is what we offer as lovers.   It is the gateway to any kind of relationship of loving kindness.   It is the ‘giving’ that I am able to offer to anyone I choose.

This ‘being here’ is an invitation for reciprocity, for someone else to be truly present.    This is the exchange I gratefully enjoy with a small number of people.   It has been a discipline for me not to cling or become attached to this exchange.  The more I am ‘here’ for myself and for them, the less likely I am to cling.

Thay has said it well:  ” A true lover knows that the practice of mindfulness is the foundation of true love.”

 

Learning to be comfortable with being alone was just the beginning for me.   Before anything else, I had to quiet down and immerse myself in the feeling of being alone, something I mostly avoided in the past.    In many ways, I have been even anxious about it.   It seems now that I have come full circle, and are things really different!

I love being alone.    As much as I enjoy my time with many individuals, I look forward to being alone.   It is from that vantage point that I have observed that society is determined to keep us apart.    Even while it gives us many messages that stroke our fears of being alone, it sets up many expectations and structures that keep us separate and not really present to one another.

This is not about technology.    Technology is not to blame; it simply reflects our chosen life style.    The fabric of our connections with one another is woven by much more subtle social norms that technology simply supports and reinforces.

In our culture, we have our own space and materials.   We honor those who amass an abundance of space and goods.  Our attachment to the things that are “ours” serves as a barrier to many others.    We have fears that encourage us to protect our things, even if it means killing someone who threatens our space or possessions.

We live in nuclear families that are built on the illusion of exclusivity.  The nuclear family, most often defined as marriage, is to be not just a source of emotional and physical closeness.   It is usually seen as the only or primary source.    Relationships outside the nuclear family are suspect and must be handled with care.   Others are a threat to space and possessions  of the nuclear group.   The expectations on the nuclear family are set so high and exclusive that success is rare and the experience of most is abandonment,  disappointment or settling for less than is wanted.

Societal structure keeps each of us in our own space.   Rather than rush into one another’s presence we keep in the place we fear:  being alone and unconnected.   In spite of some occasional words of praise, hugs are suspect and not at all common.   Even when proffered, most hugs are weak and whimpy, a quick gesture and not a deep embrace.  It is no wonder we retreat to aloneness.   Social norms have succeeded in keeping relations on the surface, lacking energetic presence and with little warmth.   It is no wonder we are surprised when the social distance is transgressed.

I am much more comfortable being alone, and I design a good amount of time to being alone.    In a strange manner, I feel very connected even when I am  alone.   I am also much better at being present with people.   I no longer doubt my ability to carry my aloneness with me, and that seems to make for more opportunity to be deeply connected, more intimate.

It seems I’ve been uncertain about my five senses for a long time.   I grew up with so many cautionary remarks about the dangers of the senses, and I lingered in that caution for most of my life.   There were times I made adequate, even abundant use of my senses.   Even that had restrictions, cautions, limits.

It’s only been recent that I discovered that I actually have six senses.    The extra sense is not the ‘intuition’ often referred to as the sixth sense.    My mind is a sixth sense.  I am learning how to be aware that I am aware, just as I can be aware that I see, feel, taste, etc.    Maybe it is somewhat related to intuition.

I’ve always been able to see, feel, taste, hear and smell.   But I mostly stopped in the sensation and seldom knew more.    It has only been occasional that what I saw was so overwhelming, that I became aware that I was actually seeing it and my whole body would respond to the experience.   There have been times that I could listen to beautiful sounds, but only occasionally was I able to float in the awareness of what my ears were hearing and feel the sound with my whole body.

Now this happens a lot.    I  am learning to use my ‘mind’ sense as I know and recognize that I am aware of what I touch.   The tree I touch and see takes on a new reality.   The counter in my bathroom is more than cold, hard and colorful.   The data gathered by my five senses is brought together by my mind, and I know the counter in a new and exciting way.

The total experience is almost neutral, because the sensory experience can be pleasant or unpleasant.   But the mind experience is always full of energy, and that gives me joy, peace, contentment.

I have discovered a new reality in the realm of the senses.

I feel so fortunate to be finding books that address this uneasy feeling I have long had about the restrictions placed on me by religion and society.   It has been an imaginary place that I have willingly chosen to live in much of my life, but I have had a vague sense that things are not quite right.   Things seemed at least distorted, if not outright misleading.    I have followed the rules of religion and society and neither has been a reflection of reality or particularly beneficial to someone like me who easily bent to their influence.

I’m old, and at last I am having improved vision.   My cataracts are gone, and my understanding of reality is sharper.  Both are unconnected benefits of my old age.

I have many daily opportunities to think about what it means for me to get old.   In spite of everything my culture tells me, getting old is really not so bad.   In fact, I am finding it exciting and full of opportunity.   I am walking through many open doors, and not shutting down or being shut down as much as my culture led me to expect.

Even Thay seems to regard growing “old” as something we cannot escape.   Not exactly a positive endorsement of something to look forward to.

For me, growing old has meant letting go of things.    I have had to let go of many physical expectations and skills, such as running up and down stairs.    My physical strength is clearly not what it once was, and there are those unwelcome pains that come with so many movements.

These body changes have actually presented me with opportunities.    They actually make me more bodily-aware.   I am much more attentive to how I move and where all the parts of my body are.  I now exercise in a much more intentional manner, and some parts of me, such as my back, are not only stronger but seem happier.    I debate with myself whether my moving slowly is because I can’t move quicker or if it is simply my approach to walking meditation.    I do get much more out of my walk into Target than I did ten years ago.

I am aware that not all the positive qualities I am finding in getting old are experienced automatically or by every person my age.   But getting old has presented me with opportunities and open doors I never expected.

I have found a new person inside of me, and the world I live in is much more enchanting, more magical, more mystical, more difficult to understand.     So much of what I previously understood, is now an inviting mystery waiting to be explored.

The old me now realizes that no rules apply to me unless I decide to embrace them. It is my choice, no one else’s, and especially not my culture’s.   For so many years, I have seen the world through the bars of my culture, and they have set the norms on how I should act.   I now know that my culture’s view and messages have often been misleading and often dead wrong.   Yet they have penetrated and strangled my heart.    No more.

This is my time for me to question and unlearn so much of what the culture has taught me.

I am stepping out of the myth of brain atrophy, and taking heart with the good news from neuroscience about brain plasticity.    I’ve inserted myself among young minds and gone back to college.  I read and write more than I ever have.   I’m beginning to question the reality of memory loss;  I still joke about it, but I’m not sure it is true.   I actually remember more of those things I’m interested in, such as flowers.

I have developed an intolerance with social distance, and now reach out for a new intimacy with most people I meet.  Less handshakes, more hugs.   I enjoy the gradual wearing down of boundaries.   Much of my elite ego has been overthrown.   Maybe winter is the best time to trim the ego.

I have uncovered a radiant inner life.   There is an energy I easily tap into. I have become a little intoxicated with life.   I had no idea what good stuff was hidden in the basement.

I think this vitality in old age is due to my experience of the magic and wisdom of mindfulness.    It seems such a simple thing, all I had to do was relax and grow in my ability to quiet my mind.    Little by little, I have discovered  my body and my mind, and the two have become one.   It is a new world.

I am learning to turn pain, anxiety and suffering into compost, and then nourish the blooming of flowers.

It turns out that you can teach old dogs new tricks.

 

Dualism is such a part of my thinking I sometimes wonder if I will ever escape its clutches.   I have been well-taught, by school and culture alike.  There is the body, and there is the mind.   One inhabits the other, descends on it, animates it.   The two exist in support of one another, but remain distinct.   This has misdirected me into an illusion of the world.

I struggle to turn this illusion and false wisdom around.    I am convinced that there is one entity.    Mind and body are but two aspects of the same, one me.   I have thought about it so much, and I have experienced it in small ways.    Still I must remind myself of the oneness,  I must allow myself to relax and settle into the one and same reality.     Matter and mind sometimes merge.   The reality exists only in the relationship.   I am, therefore I think.

Getting older has been an amazing adventure as I have, gratefully, begun to discover my true essence.   There are times that my very existence comes into passing focus.   The unfolding of this mystery has been very much a body activity.    As I have become more aware of the energy of my body, I have surprisingly become more aware of my presence.    I have learned to quiet my mind activity and be attentive to the energy of my body.   The new world has unfolded.

Much of this has arisen because of my Tai Chi Chih practice.   The body energy has been allowed to manifest.   In a strange contradiction, the pain of my aging limbs has made me more aware of what they are.   My aging body has forced me to acknowledge and accept who and what I am.   Acceptance of the pain has opened doorways to being aware of the energy within me.   Fighting the pain, resenting it only makes it dark and more powerful.

Resistance is futile.    Acceptance is success.

My legs and hands are really me, and I know that by feeling the throbbing energy within them.   My sense of touch is alive in a new way, and opens an avenue of awareness to whatever I touch or see that I can touch.   I think that the energy flows in both directions, but this is something I want to explore more.

For now I simply am glad to have a deeper awareness of who I am, where my body is, what is around me, and what I am part of.   I know this is so because the energy tells me so.

I wonder why more of us aren’t running down the street in terror over what is happening.   There are enough terrifying things going on that it is amazing that more of us have not gone berserk.

I look out my window and up at the sky.   All seems calm and peaceful, but I know that there are climate changes in motion that will dramatically change the face of the earth and our established way of life.    Not since agriculture became essential to our species has there been much of a change in the climate we have learned to rely on.     Things have been very stable, with a few cold blips along the way.    As disruptive as those cold blips were, they were small compared for what will soon be upon us.

We have become so numerous and so well-fed because we have been able to produce an abundance of food.    There are still problems of distribution, but the food is there and available.   With the change in climate, this reliable system is about to change.   Without food, it will be difficult for the immense population of humans to survive.

Social disruption will come with climate change.    To make things more complicated, we are already in the midst of social turmoil.    The leadership of past great civilizations and the decisions they made brought about the ruin and dissolution of those huge communities.    Rome, the Maya, the Aztec all experienced dissolution of their societies.   It was a ruin caused by their own unchanging insistence on a way of life no longer sustainable.

In the US, we are experiencing a stubborn reliance on points of view that are out of sync with reality.   Over consumption is perhaps the greatest threat, accompanied by the resistance against learning from past mistakes of our species.

I am uncertain just when it will arrive, but I expect we will experience chaos and collapse in my lifetime.   However, you probably won’t see me running down the street in terror.

I have come to see sexuality as a way we naturally relate to one another and create community.   It need not be a narrow and exclusive way of relating to one another, and I also think individuals can reasonably choose to isolate themselves in an exclusive sexual relationship.    For most people, in fact, deciding on an exclusive sexual relationship with one individual is an integral part of their decision to couple, most often to raise children.

I use to think that sexuality was one way of waking up, becoming more aware of another individual.   The thrill of sharing pleasures is, I believe, a small taste of the thrill of meditation and the deep awareness that comes with total surrender to “what is”.

I still think this is true, but the waking up factor is only one side of the coin.   Sexual awareness is something that very naturally comes along with an open awareness of someone, even ourselves.   It is part of seeing someone as they really are.   To be aware of someone as a sexual individual is to see them as they actually are.  A decision whether to relate to them in a sexual way begins with and depends on this awareness.

The degree of my growing awareness depends on my ability to be aware.

Desire arises in many ways and many forms.   I get to decide how to make good use of the energy of desire.    It is my choice whether to be controlled by desire or allow it to carry me into a deeper awareness.

Unfortunately, I think humans have trivialized and abused their sexuality.  Some humans seem to expect nothing at all of sexuality except perhaps a fleeting stimulant  Or they expect so much out of their sexuality that they dole it out in stingy amounts.  So much of my culture is infected by one or both of these notions.

Rather than create a path of awareness, sexuality has often been a tool of dominance and power.   Rape is an instance of extreme dominance and power.    Marriage has in most traditions become  a structure of ownership, one person over the other.    Most  forms of marriage put the male as the owner, the female as the one possessed.    It is a social contract based on ownership, rights, privileges, guarantees, etc.

For me, touch is an important way of relating to people I get to know.   If I don’t feel I am being intrusive, I even touch strangers.   It is natural for me, it is a way of becoming more aware, it is a way of relating, it is a way of affirming one anothers presence.   I think that sexuality can be described the same way.

My problem is that I don’t think many other humans think the same way. So far, I think I am a community of one.