Author: barryschade@gmail.com

I keep recognizing how difficult it is for me to stay in the now, in the present.    I also think I witness the same difficulty in people I brush up against.   Even when I am focusing on the now in how I interact with others, it doesn’t go well when someone else isn’t doing the same.   No matter which way I go,  I seem to repeatedly run into difficulty.

I seem to be involved in a dance that others want to play.   I often become aware that they are anticipating the future at the expense of the now.    Not staying in the now causes tension and suffering.    It isn’t enough that I am present in the now.   In fact, that seems to cause tension when someone else is not ready to do the same.

Sometimes when I express all that is right now, it is too much for others.    The boldness to be fully present is sometimes too much.    The consequences are destabilizing for them and for me.   When clarity is important to me, it sometimes runs contrary to someone else’s wishes for ambiguity.    So things do not go well.

Robert Bly has told the story of Iron John in which he tells of the boy with the golden hair.    For a long time, the boy with the golden hair keeps his head covered lest the shine be too blinding and too revealing.     Then the time finally comes when he removes his head covering and only then reveals who he really is.    I think there is a lesson here for me.

It is time for me to learn how to be present in the now, but be more reserved in displaying to others just what that means.    Being transparently present is my wish and ideal, but I want to add patience when dealing with others.

It is nice to live in the present, and that is a difficult enough task.    Added to it is the challenge of seeing the now as perhaps extending into what others might regard as the future.

There may be no past or future in my now, but that is seldom the perspective of most of my companions.     However, when we do meet in a common now it is pure joy.

 

 

 

 

 

I get it.  I have lived with a word and concept for many years.    But it only fully revealed itself to me a little over a week ago.    And I expect there is more revealing to come.

Near the end of the retreat, we were all gathered in a huge circle next to the lake, singing songs.   Someone shouted out the first words of a song as an invitation to sing it, “We friends……..”     I was totally unprepared, I didn’t see it coming.   I never joined in, never got out a word of the song because this overwhelming feeling just fountained from deep inside me and the tears started flowing.   I knew instantly that I had opened a deeper level of my heart and the key had the word “friend” written on it.

I can see now that this had been gradually arising as so many people at the retreat opened their hearts in attentive, respectful and affectionate ways.   Each gesture of opening was an invitation for me to do the same.    I was ready when I arrived at the retreat, and the awareness of others gave  me all the encouragement it needed.    Their revelation as friends gave me the encouragement to do the same.

I have become aware that my friends do more than support and care for me. They help me keep my heart open to the world, they tend to my heart each in their own way.    I am realizing that when they present themselves before me they invite me to embrace them and the world with my own heart.

I am aware that my friends are all over the spectrum on this, some able to display the kind of open-hearted encouragement more than others.    Individuals show me their open-heartedness in many ways and to different degrees.   But what I am only now noticing  is that they open my own awareness to an amazing depth.   I think I am ready, but their friend key is an important part of my open feeling.

I began noticing this early at the retreat and it has continued to evolve.    Even when I think of an absent friend, I often feel their presence down to the bottom of my heart.    I am able to remind my heart that my friends are there not just in their assurances and support, but especially in their welcoming and accepting my open heart.    The awareness is so penetrating and I have seen it growing for some time.    But the thunderbolt only struck about a week ago.

The mindful movements that I do every morning have been part of the gradual change, as I extend my heart out to each of the friends who come to mind.   My opening up to their presence at the retreat has taken the awareness to such a depth that at times I can scarcely contain my response to them.    They may not even be present.

They allow me to be present to them, and so I am deeply aware of them.    The bow between two people captures all this and is felt with such deep awareness if they are open to the exchange of awareness.

I now notice that naming ourselves as friends has so much more meaning and is felt at such a deeper level.   The realities may have been there before, but now I am aware and allow myself to feel its depth.

My own recent invitation to become friends with someone has showed me all that simple word and expression can mean, what possibilities it can include.     So much is often hidden, but it can now be revealed with more clarity.

Friend is such a powerful word.

 

Being romantic is a tricky notion.    It can mean a lot of different things.    For me, most but not all of them are negative.

A few days ago, when I heard myself telling someone that I wasn’t offering an invitation to a romantic relationship, I paused.    Just what did I mean, and why is it so easy for me to say that I’m not interested in a romantic relationship.    Actually, I could easily add that I don’t see it in my best interest.

There probably are come common notions or implications when people speak of romance.    For me it isn’t quite that simple.

Romance, I think, speaks of fantasy, something not based on reality.   It relies for its energy on what could be or might be, not what is here and now. A lot of relationships are built on this shifting base, and often end up interesting and exciting  but very shaky and ultimately disappointing.

Romance is dependent more on dreams than on what actually exists between two people.    It is not exclusively that way, of course, but romance depends heavily on fantasy.    If two people have a romantic relationship, it usually has more to do with their hopes of what might happen between them than the reality of what actually exists now.   It might even have some of the power and effect of psychedelics.  Its sustenance relies on a heavy dose of serotonin.

In my culture, romance has so much to do with the desire to possess, and that is why I have such a negative reaction.   When people are in a romantic relationship or want to be, it has more to do with themselves and their security than with one another.    Romance is heavily fueled by wanting the assurance of the other being present, always.  The other is of significance only to the degree that they can be possessed.

The cultural representation of romance is dripping with expressions of ‘one and only’, ‘together forever,’ ‘happy ever after.’  All notions of desired stability and possession rather than open-hearted awareness.

Romance usually has the connotation of a sexual relationship.    If people say they have a romantic relationship, it is customary code to signal that they are being sexual with one another.    Romance often has a goal and expression of sharing sexual pleasures with one another.

The two notions of romance and sexual activity have gotten so aligned with one another that some of their attributes are shared.    ‘One and only’ is often part of romance, just as it is typically an expectation when people share sexual pleasures. The goal has the attribute of permanence or at least lasting a very long time.

Both romance and sharing pleasures are typically expected to get memorialized in marriage.   ‘Happy ever after’ is often the pictured outcome of romance.   People ask, “So when are you getting married?”

I don’t think that a close friendship is any less loving or dynamic than a romantic relationship.  In fact, in some ways it is more wholesome.   With a close friendship, it is more evident that the aim is not to possess, contain or restrict.   Basically, it lacks some of the negative attributes I see in romance.

I do not seek to lock anyone or be locked  in a one-on-one relationship, and so I don’t see a romantic relationship in my future.    I want my close friends to know that their freedom and singularity remain intact.   There is no illusion that we will ever be ‘one.’   Unlike a typical romance, there is no implication that they will ultimately be just like me.   There is little value in our being or becoming alike.

I do not want to possess or be possessed by anyone.   I suppose I am giving up the mythological notion of stability and accepting the uncertainty of relationships.    I am both interested in and intertwined in deep, loving relationships.   Each is unique and none of them has the notion that we are or might ever be a couple.

I do not want to be coupled.   I want a community of companions who are willing to walk closely beside me but have their own independent lives.    We might share many things together, even the pleasures of closeness, but as clearly separate individuals.

The irony of this is that I am actually ‘a romantic’ in a certain sense of the term.    I am simply not one who craves romantic relationships, in spite of their occasional attractiveness.     I want my friendships to be based on reality, what is here and now.

I am aware that even my being a romantic can have kind of a dreamy, ethereal  aspect.   I know that is part of me, a product of my imagination, and I can easily go to that place.    However, I want my friendships to be grounded in what is real and not in floating loosely in what my imagination creates.   I am choosing against romance.

 

 

 

 

 

I will no longer give myself to anything that does not cause me joy.   I choose joy above all else, and that is more than enough.    My heart is open and alert, ready to encircle whatever or whoever presents.    That act of embracing will give me the greatest joy.

I have been taught this simple act of joy by my garden.    My garden asks only that I give it gestures of care and affection, not that I labor and work.   I try in return not to work in my garden, but only do gardening to the extent that it gives me pleasure and joy.    I stop my efforts in my garden when I no longer have the stamina or interest to generate joy.

I am not sure what has changed, my garden or me.    I know that we have come to an understanding and acceptance that mutual pleasure is most important in how we come together.

The same is true of people.    I only allow myself to do what gives me joy.    I try to avoid interaction that is a burden and only seek connections that produce joy.    Hopefully, the joy that results is mutual.

This has become my habit only because of the change in me.    My heart has found a more joy-filled way to welcome engagement.   Even encounter with people, plants and rocks is becoming a moment of open embrace.   I choose the path of joy and it willingly finds me.   I embrace who and what presents, and I am embraced.

It is a relatively simple way to live, even though it has taken me many years to find it.    All I need to do is observe who or what is before me.    When I relax and unfold the portals of my heart, so does the world before me.     Men and women become my brothers and sisters, trees become my welcome companions, rocks become the supporting elements of my stalwart world .   We meet in an explosion of joy.

Even what might seem unpleasant or a burden slowly unfolds to be a new source of joy.    There is some element of humor and surprise in things that would otherwise disturb.    There are times I can find that opening into the presence of the unpleasant and even the absurd becomes a miracle of joy.

Perhaps everything is best experienced as ambiguous, uncertain and unpredictable.     For me, that means that all things, everyone, has an element that can produce joy.    If allowed to find it, my heart will naturally embrace that element of joy.

It has been a difficult but deepening lesson in acceptance.    Once again, “The Other Shore” has been a help in sorting things out.    I think that I both understand better and accept what is possible in connecting with other people.  While I see limitless, formless possibilities,  I also  try to balance that with the realities of now.

I both have a clearer awareness of what is possible in my connections with people, and see better the persistent limitations.    My days of retreat both deepened my general awareness of reality and improved my insight into the kind of connections that are possible.    I am grateful for all the connections I experienced last week, and I am accepting that they are in my past.    They have shown me what is possible, and opened my own heart to those expanded possibilities.

It has been a difficult lesson in non-grasping, of not trying to make last what only happened in a ‘now’ I can no longer experience.   Actually, the ‘now’ that was there a week ago is still part of me if I can simply relax and allow it to be.   I think the dimension of time is sometimes fading for me.

Most of the connections I felt with people were with women, as is my general pattern.   I think most men seem incapable, unskilled in the kind of connections possible between humans.   It is mostly women that seem to be capable of allowing the kind of openness I experience, but only a select group of them as well.

When I think back to last week, the women I remember most were those who were not afraid to show an open heart.    The men I remember who showed the same open-heartedness were few, but there were some.

It is the same in my Sangha and the rest of my life.    The people who express the courage to go deep, to connect with awareness, are typically women.    There are perhaps two men in my life who are willing to meet me on a deep level.    They are far outnumbered by the women willing to do the same.

I lament that the women I know are mostly shackled by circumstances of their lives, including the customs of primary relationships and sexual preferences.    I often notice how cautious both men and women are about taking the plunge.    So I simply go on loving them as best we can.

Now, however, that I know what deep awareness may feel like, I am faced with figuring out how to integrate that experience into my life.    It is one thing to finally accept that the past is gone, but the present is with me.

I know that the deep connection is not something likely to happen routinely, but I am consciously open to it now.    I am also accepting of all the various plateaus that I share with my loving companions.

I know that it has been my mistake to try to capture closeness by choosing to live with someone.    I am not convinced that sharing pleasures is a favorable path, pleasant as that might be.    I am also not about to attempt to stabilize or preserve connections by setting up expectations.    Even while I am aware of what is possible, I am much more accepting of what is present now.

I am so grateful for those who have opened my heart to new levels.    Like Orpheus, I dare not look back but attend only to the now.     This is what I accept, knowing better now what is possible.

I release the past, and in that small gesture, I have become free.    But my heart has been forever changed.

 

As I look back over the past transforming week, I realize so well that I have not been walking alone.    There have been many others showing me the way and supporting me by their generous presence.    Some members of my Sangha have been a significant part of my evolving understanding and awareness.

A couple of individuals at the retreat have likewise helped me by showing me their personal presence and own vulnerability.    They encouraged me, even invited me to do the same.    Many others did so in a more generalized way.    The frequent bowing was an oft-repeated invitation to mutual awareness and shared affection.

It has truly been a joint effort, and I realize how much my home is in a community of supporting, loving people.   They too are on fire with awareness, each in their own way.    They show their own courage to let the fire take control, and in doing so give me support and encouragement.

A couple of retreat members have unknowingly been my teachers.    Their presence and open vulnerability have helped me reflect on how in the past I have allowed others to define me.   This past habit has been a source of great suffering for me.    I am slowly understanding how it is possible to invite another person to stand close, but not so close that we may appear as one.

Maybe it is also an intense lesson in not-grasping.  I now understand better how to allow intimate awareness while maintaining a separate presence.    I more easily see the balance of gleefully being aware of another’s presence while totally letting go.

There is great vulnerability in being more open-hearted, and so many of my companions have been there to support me this past week.

From time to time, I lose my sense of boundaries and separation.    It is as if I allow the felt separation to dissolve and yield to a felt connection with anyone or anything I come across.    This has evolved significantly during my 5 days of retreat.    The effect is that I feel an overwhelming  vulnerability and a consuming fire.

I have regarded this experience as open-heartedness  and open-heartedness  continues to be a portal that is open both ways.   I am recently intensely aware of the presence of others.    That includes people, plants and rocks.    I am aware in a deeper more penetrating way.    They seem to enter me without resistance and I consume them with my attention.    It feels like a fire that arises in me.    It consumes everything as it illumines.

At least it is from my perspective that the fire consumes.  I wonder if it is anything like that for others.    They must know that they can be consumed if they stand too close.    In fact, I can see that only a few stand close.    I suspect they are the ones familiar with fire.    They know its power and have learned to live in it themselves.

For me, this kind of felt awareness is producing an incredible level of vulnerability.    It is a level I have never experienced  before.    The fire seems to have the effect of increasing the tenderness I perhaps only slightly knew before.   Tears easily come with feelings.    I am wondering if they are already beyond my control.

I think it is a control I have surrendered, and do not intend to take back.

Perhaps it is this surrendering of control that has created, produced the deeper sense of open-heartedness.    I have released some of my sense of self and its related boundaries.   At least, I now know how to do it.    I have learned how to do it with the help of a few of my companions.

The felt experience comes and goes, but I know I carry it with me.   For me, this is the meaning of mindfulness, not an intellectual cerebral exercise but a full-body experience of what is around me.    It has become a burning fire that consumes me and has the potential of consuming anyone or any thing near me.   It is a new felt experience of reaching out and of being vulnerable all at the same time.

It is a strange thing that is happening to me.    It has come as a result of deeper opening to the woods and to people while on retreat.   It comes with a price of now knowing that only certain people can stand close to the fire, and they may be few.    I have a deep sense of potential aloneness while experiencing the power and force of being intensely close.    I will trust my companions.

My fire is consuming and powerful at the same time.   The energy of its source may be both my destroyer and my connector.     Just the same, I intend to fan the flames, in spite of the risk.   Stepping into the flames is becoming my way.    I am facing total loss and total oneness, all at the same time.    It becoming my way of fire.

 

I give back all the fears and constraints that have controlled and guided me. I release all that I have been taught about how to live.    I surrender all the norms handed to me by my ancestors.

I release all that I have been taught about what it means to be human.    I surrender all the norms of what it means to be male.   I give back all I have learned about how to love and be open-hearted with my companions.

I release the notion that there is just one other person that defines the expanse of how I live my life.   There is no more determined shape or form to my life.    All has begun again.    I surrender all I have been taught about how to be a close friend.     I release all I am told about how to be a gardener.    I give up all the arcane notions of growing old.

I surrender all the things I have been told about the need for security and possessions.

All my life, I have pulled the harness given me by my ancestors and my culture.     I release them all.

I have waited long enough.    I am finally free.

As I open up to deeper levels of experience, I wonder who will be accompanying me.    Already, I feel that there are only a small number of companions with whom I can openly walk side by side.    The kinship with these companions is palpable.   I am so glad to have them as companions.

I do not choose to have a partner, but I do invite companions.  I will not again allow one person to determine the framework of my life.

Where I am going is a solitary plane, but I clearly want companions to accompany me.    I do not want to go there alone.    I invite others to be with me, walk the same way with me.    Still, the reactions of others to me is so mixed.

I think there is a difference between being solitary and being alone.    I do not want to be alone.   It is often a struggle to find my steady bearings.

I take refuge in my companions.   They are the ones I truly love, with whom I share open-heartedness.    We support one another because together we know where the trail exists.   We walk a similar way, always aware of one another.

I now know what it is like, and I intend not to forget.   It is not like remembering my home address or what my car looks like.    It is more like remembering what it feels like to walk through the door of my home or sit behind the wheel of my turquoise car.

The memory of five days is known in my body, through my whole body.    It is the relaxed ease of feeling and has little to do with deliberate intellectual recall.     The memory is that of hands knitting effortlessly and not from following a remembered pattern but from a deep sense of just knowing what to do.

Five days of relaxing the tight constraints of learned habit  behavior  have taken me to a deeper ability to feel and know my world.    I was ready, I suppose, to take the dive and it happened almost effortlessly.    All I had to do was let it happen.

I now find myself in a place where knowing and feeling are one.    It is a knowing that flows naturally from relaxing and allowing my body to absorb.

I am aware that parts of me have finally awakened, and I have the joyful memory of what it feels like to be so open-hearted.    I intend to not forget.   I now know where that place is in me, and it seems so readily accessible now.   I know the familiar feeling of walking through the unlocked door of my home or engaging the movement of my turquoise car.

The wholeness that I feel is not only within me but includes whatever I touch.    It is easiest to know what does not resist.    For people, it is easiest for those in whom I experience a similar open-heartedness.   For trees, rocks and flowers, it is so easy because they so readily present themselves.    Unlike most people, plants and rocks know how to be fully present.    They have no resistance to being known.    Like me, people must first discover what it feels like to be open-hearted.

I am slowly learning how to know, how to be open-hearted and what it feels like.   I also can better recognize when it appears in someone else.     There is a kind of relaxed kinship that emerges and we see in one another what we have come to know and feel in ourselves.    People are different in that way from plants and rocks.    Unlike plants and rocks, people can decide whether to be truly present.

Consciousness is naturally present in plants and rocks simply by being.    I have had to learn to deepen my own consciousness by relaxing and then allow it to happen naturally.    I have had to undo a lifetime of constraints to be able to know and feel as deeply as I do now.     I am aware that there are more constraints yet to be relaxed.

I now remember, I know what it is like to feel deep open-heartedness.    This is not a memory to be deliberately repeated.   For me, the “how to” be open-hearted is already a knowing part of my muscle and bone.    All I have to do is allow it to flow.