Author: barryschade@gmail.com

I once had a beginners mind. I want to reclaim it.

The awareness of that beginners mind was blinding. The world I experienced had no dimension, no form. All possibilities, all potential lay in front of me. I was for a brief time aware of everything, independent of what I now regard as space and time.

Then my neural network began to filter all that awareness, and that filtered world slowly came into a focus I could relate to. It was a lattice network that allowed me to move through that world with some understanding, however limited it was. I learned to interact with the world through this lattice and I survived.

My young life was lived behind a lattice of rules and expectations. This lattice meant that I thought I knew how to interpret the world and experience it. I never realized how much the lattice may have both protected me and seriously limited my awareness. The lattice has guided me in how I have experienced the world, how I have interpreted what I experienced, and how I was to act.

My chosen task is now to see the universe in an unfiltered manner. Perhaps not all at once, but slowly as I learn the practice of deep concentration. I am gradually penetrating the realm of the formless and undefined. I want to see without either the benefit or the limitations of the lattice that has become so much a part of my life.

I want to see reality in all its formless nature, without filters and without rules. I want to see the presence that is there beyond the forms and shapes I have learned to accept. I want to move forward without rules, not just in how I experience the world but also in how I respond to that formless world.

I am for sure changing how I am accustomed to think, and the freedom is joyful and energizing. This movement to another and distant shore is the challenge presented in the Heart Sutra.

My challenge is to experience a world with no beginning and no end, no birth and no death, no forms. My challenge is to see beyond the illusion the lattice of my life has created, to walk into Target with an awareness that goes beyond the cold pavement that rises to be touched by my feet.

I am finding that this is not just about thinking and how to think. It is beginning to feel more like not thinking at all. My whole body becomes an avenue of awareness, and there is no lattice to interpret what manifests before me. I am developing a comfort, a relaxed feeling associated with the absence of the lattice of forms.

This realm of no-lattice is not actually a new way to think, but is becoming a relaxed way of not thinking at all.

For much of my day, every move I make is in response to a constant invitation to enter into the realm of the spiritual. My body is becoming accustomed to being attentive to a reality that had previously escaped me. For most of my life, I never understood how the spiritual, unseen realm is simply manifested in what I see as physical.

Only my mind regards my experiences as physical. All this time I have been experiencing the tip of the spiritual and never quite realized it. I was being invited into the realm of the spiritual and got stuck in the merely physical manifestation.

I now regard my body as a receptor, a receiver of sorts for the energy that makes up the universe. I constantly experience the unseen energy of the universe, and it shows up in my mind as an experience, as awareness. I don’t think I’ve understood how to interpret the coded signals.

For most of my life, it has been possible for me to stop at the perception of the physical manifestation and not accept the invitation to experience the unseen spiritual. I have mostly experienced the spiritual reality only as it appeared as a physical manifestation. I have seldom opened my mind to become aware of the deeper energies that are the foundation of my relationship experiences. I simply have not been tuned in, and I mostly passed on the invitation.

I think that I have in my body / mind the ability to experience the spiritual. I mostly, however, have stopped at the sense perceptions coming through my eyes, my ears, my imagination. The intricate and delicate integration of the spiritual and physical are slowly becoming easier for me to grasp. I am learning to live in that relationship.

Art can be an invitation to realize the combination of physical and spiritual. I recently listened to a youTube presentation on Bernini’s rapture of St. Teresa. It was so clear to me that the words of the lecture were pointing to the relationship between the spiritual and physical.

Bernini expressed that relationship in a combination of religious metaphor and marble. The intermingling integration is so clearly represented. I’ve heard people refer to the marble statue as a sexual expression. I think that is true, but it is so much more. The rapture of the figure is a wonderful combination and unity of the physical and spiritual reality.

I often find that music is an invitation to experience the spiritual energy of the universe. It is a further invitation to sing, to dance, to be aligned with the flow of energy that is suggested by the sounds. I do have to relax and allow my body / mind to plunge uninterrupted beyond the physicality of the sounds. Then my heart soars with music. I easily move through the physical manifestation into an experience of the spiritual.

I am pleased that I am learning how to accept the invitation into the realm of the spiritual. I am also beginning to see myself as an invitation for others to enter that same spiritual realm. I want to be a portal for their awareness. I realize that my own vulnerability is required to be such a portal. I must be fully present. Allowing that presence to be seen is a vulnerable action.

The universe is waiting, offering me an invitation. I too will wait and by being transparently present pass that invitation on to others.

It is becoming somewhat irrelevant for me to think of things happening by chance. Having good luck has little or no meaning for me. Once an experience has happened, it is meaningless to consider any aspect of chance. It already is, it has happened. It is part of my life, there is no reconsideration, there is no turning back. I try to remember to simply settle in and absorb the experience as best I can.

I sometimes think of future events as unpredictable, a matter of probably. But this is more of a mind game and has little to do with reality, with what is happening right now. As unpredictable as they might seem, there really are no chance encounters, no chance happenings, no chance experiences. There is not, at any moment, any improbable or unpredictable event. It is simply happening.

For me, it is best to disregard any element of chance and simply seize the moment. Be open to it. It will never happen again in my experience. There is no “what if” things were different. There is no reason to look for another chance, another opportunity. This is the moment, the encounter, the experience. It is best for me to enter into it without hesitation or question. It is everything I have.

This is as good as this moment gets, and I had best not hold back or resist it. Because this experience exists, there is no doubt that it was meant to be. I want to be open to this very moment, this experience, this encounter. This is not a time to be casual about what is happening. This is not a time to be waiting for something better to happen, for someone better to come along, for the world to get more indulgent of me.

Urging me to “seize the day” is painting with too wide a brush, it is too wide a mandate, too wide a way of living. I want to seize every moment, to fully experience what it is like to be alive.

I want to walk around as though this is the most delightful step I could ever make right now. I want to meet people as though this is this is the most engaging encounter I could have. I want to savor every event with my full attention and pleasure. After all, it is the only event. It is all I have, it is my only opportunity. I don’t get another chance.

Could it really be that simple? Could it be that the practice I follow by deepening concentration is facilitated by my own physiology? Could it be that my practice of deepening my concentration to become more aware is promoted by the flow of dopamine throughout my body?

When dopamine is released into my physical system, I feel rewarded. I have a rush of glee and a brush with ecstasy. I am convinced this happens when I meditate and when I carry mindfulness into my daily activities. How marvelous that I both feel rewarded and find it easier to release my tendency of clinging. Dopamine helps me move into habitual mindfulness, and is perhaps becoming my natural drug of choice.

I think my own physiology is geared to nudge me along the path to insight and wisdom. It is just part of being human. I marvel how this has come out of the evolutionary process as humans have evolved to greater consciousness. We are destined to be mindful.

It actually is nothing new for me to notice and experience how body and mind seem to be one entity. They are one reality, one entity. The two concepts are intimately intertwined in my experience, and current science is moving in that direction. It is simply natural that my body and mind would work together as one entity to move me into that awareness, into that consciousness the spiritual teachers call insight.

The mystics may have called it rapture, with an other-worldly overlay. They explained the experience in the religious metaphors common in their day. For me it is an essentially human experience, deeply embedded in my own inherited physiology.

Perhaps this is part of an explanation of why meditation and eroticism are beginning to seem so intertwined. I have been surprised to notice that the two have so much in common. Perhaps they are simply different aspects of the same process that naturally guides me to good outcome for humans.

The ecstasy of bodies touching can be much more than just a base sensory experience. I notice this whenever I put my hand on someone’s arm. The physicality of it is but a small aspect of an awareness that is latent in the contact. The physical contact can readily bring the two entities into a deep absorption of the other. It is easy to grasp the base physicality, but it is also inviting to move to a deeper kind of awareness.

The same physiology that may reward and move me to reproduce also drives me and rewards me for becoming aware of the deep entanglement we have with one another.

I am noticing that my practice of meditation, my deepening of concentration is rooted in and involved with my physiology. I am aware of this as I lie in bed, slowly becoming awake. The more I awake, become aware of my comforter, notice the extent of my body, observe the walls of my room, the more my sense of well-being increases. I am being rewarded for becoming mindful and aware.

I am developing the habit of awareness, and the flow of dopamine reinforces that practice. My physiology supports and encourages my awareness.

I’ve noticed for some time how it is such a pleasant experience to feel the touch of my surroundings, the sight of my room, the sound of passing cars. I don’t think this is only an abstract or spiritual experience. I feel it through my whole body. I know it is rooted in my physiology. My mindfulness is being supported by the release of rewarding dopamine.

Not a bad way to go through the day.

It would probably be more common for me to comment on what it means to make eye contact. That sounds to me like a mellowed down version of what actually takes place for me. I am noticing how I use my eyes to actively communicate and others do the same.

When I am eyed, I can feel someone affirming my presence. I use my eyes to tell someone I am very aware they are there. For me, it is no casual and neutral ‘making eye contact.’ It is an act of being aware and communicating that awareness. I am being eyed. I have eyed others.

This was so apparent to me while contra dancing on Saturday evening. In the dance there is a lot of contact with one another. But before our hands ever touch one another, the eyes consistently lock on to the other. Before I was ever touched I was eyed.

The connection happened in an instant. The messages were all over the map. Mostly the eyeing said how good it was to meet at this instance, in this place, in this dance. It was one awareness after another. It was one affirmation after another. It was done by eyes alone.

I have two friends that I share conversations with on FaceTime. Seeing an active image of one another adds so much to the words we speak. So much is said by eyeing and being eyed. I seem to be so much more aware of the presence of the other person, even though that perception of presence goes over miles of space.

I was walking with a friend recently. We were walking side by side, looking forward, chatting casually as we walked. At one point, there was something I wanted to say in a way that called for us to be more intensely present to one another. I turned and, holding her by the upper arms, looked into her eyes. It was quick, spontaneous. I confirmed my presence and affirmed hers. The words I spoke were only part of the message. We each were eyed.

Much has been made of the eyes being the ‘window to the soul,’ and I think that is true. Vacant eyes indicate disinterest or absence. Alert eyes convey attention and affirmation. Expressive eyes convey shared vitality. Eyes tell me when someone is aware I am present and invite an avenue of awareness.

My eyes are my first avenue of being aware of people. My eyes are perhaps my most open expression of awareness of another’s presence. People I meet are constantly being eyed by me, and I hope they know it. It is how I say “I know you are there.”

When I wake in the morning, I deliberately enter a sphere of engagement. I slowly begin to engage with myself and with the world around me. I knowingly explore a sensory adventure of stretching under the heavy covers, being aware of my moving arms and legs and the weight of the comforter. The chill of the room is present only in my mind for a time, but I soon become engaged with it with a bit of hesitation.

Slowly, I am aware of my sensory system turning on and I become very aware and engaged with my body, its extremes, its movement. Soon I am stretching on the floor, feeling the texture of the rugs, moving my arms and legs in my familiar and ritualized movements.

Along the way, my thinking is engaged as I become aware of the words and experiences of poets I read daily. I saunter off into thoughts of my own and become freely engaged in the labyrinth of my own mental and heart awareness. I hardly ever know where that might take me. Sometimes I plunge so deeply that I need to take a deep breath, as I just did.

Before I sit on my cushion, I welcome past and present companions into my evolving day, into my sphere of engagement. That sphere of engagement becomes wider and populated by those I love, an activity I will repeat many times though the day in real time.

My sphere of engagement has many portals into my surrounding world. I often check that those portals are open and that rocks, plants and people may freely pass through. I remind myself, and allow myself to feel that openness as I begin a new and welcoming day.

It is a beginning of resolve as I confirm that my heart is not dishonored with hatred. I assert my intention to be a guardian of nature, a healer of misery, a messenger of wonder, an architect of peace, a release from all suffering and a fountain of loving kindness. In this way, I define the contours of my evolving engagement in specific terms and with clear intentions.

Apart from these intentions, my sphere of engagement has few rules or defined limits. I deliberately make it something of a challenge, a hobby and a source of amusement to push aside or dissolve the limits society might put on how I should be engaged. There are so many social norms of engagement such as those associated with my age, my gender, my social status, my choice of companions, the appearance of my garden.

There are some social rules that I think are useful, such as not killing, not lying, not stealing. But there are so many limits and expectations society would place on my engagements that are not helpful to me and a distraction. I regard most of them with suspicion, distain or humor.

As I move through my day, I attempt to be aware of everyone and everything within my sphere of engagement. I welcome anyone who wishes to be so engaged. I take great delight in what is constantly becoming my real world.

Today I feel like I am surrounded by a lovely garden of delights, more or less like a circle. It is a garden of engagement. While it is a place that has arisen from my experience, it is also a circle into which I am constantly inviting others to enter.

I have been involved with the world in a way that creates great happiness. My garden of daily living has brought me much joy, and I am intent on sharing that happiness with others. I am deeply engaged with my garden, and I want others to find in it the same delight that has been my experience.

The circle is not a boundary but rather an open door into which others can enter. It reflects what has happened as I have become more attentive and aware of the world. The door of my heart clearly opens outward, open and wide, and others are free to enter.

The kind of engagement inside the circle into which I welcome others is a source of deep awareness and happiness, and people are free and welcome to enter. I try to place few restrictions, but some are more willing to step inside the circle than others.

The ground inside of the circle is soft and green. There are few rules. The air is fresh and mild. The light is bright and warm. I know because I have been living in this circle and it has become my garden home.

It is a pretense for me to say what I will do. A conversation with a close friend last evening reminded me that it would be untrue for me to say what future role I might play or take in someone else’s life.

It would be equally untrue and a mistake for me to rely on what pretense they might make of promising what they will do in the future. I want it to be enough for me and others to be totally present, anchored, immersed in the here and now. I do not want to live in a pretense of what the future might be.

This is not easy. It is often reassuring to tell someone that I will be always at their side. They might tell me the same. However, I think that reassurance is false and a big pretend. Better that I put my energy and attention into what is happening right now. That interaction is at least close to being real.

Dealing with the fundamental ambiguity and uncertainty of life is a constant challenge. I don’t want to rely on a pretend future. I want to rely on what I think is happening right now. I want to be able to spend time with someone, slowly unfolding and opening our hearts to one another. I want to pay attention to what is immediately in front of me and not be staring beyond the headlights, trying to see what cannot be seen. It should be enough that we put our focus and attention on the convergence, the relationship that is now.

I am aware that the words I use affect the way I think. Someone wants to set up a meeting in March. It would be a pretense to predict the future, so I do not say “I will be there.” Instead I say “I intend to be at the meeting.” I hear myself correctly say what is happening right now, not pretending to predict what I will do in a couple of months. There is no future that I can correctly or reliably disclose.

I hear people making marriage or relationship promises to one another and I cringe. They must be pretending, otherwise they would acknowledge that their good intentions have an uncertain likelihood of being fruitful. Better to say what they are experiencing and deeply feeling at the moment rather than making pretend predictions of an unpredictable future. Many of us have built our lives around such shaky promises and pretenses, then been deeply disappointed and wounded when things don’t go as promised.

For me, this issue of not living in the pretense of a future is unresolved, but I am working on it. While I try to plan wisely for the future, I also try not to live there. I try not to allow my feelings to be guided by frequent thoughts of what will happen days and months from now. I try not to put too much energy into paying attention to a pretend future.

In practice, that means paying attention to today as much as I can and not paying too much attention to next week. I want to be very focused on what is going on right now, and I seem to be slowly escaping the pretense of being in the future. I am slowly improving my ability to pay attention to what is happening now without keeping an eye on the uncertain future. After all, any awareness of my future is nothing but a pretense.

As a human, I have this awesome ability to reciprocate awareness. I suspect that other creatures have a similar ability, but mostly among their own kind. I best reciprocate awareness with my own kind as well.

I can open my heart to rocks and plants, and for a moment even share mutual awareness. This awareness, however, is remarkably different from the shared awareness I have had with other persons. It is a recognition and acknowledgement of each other. It is a gift we give to one another, and nothing we can take back. It endures, whether I choose to experience it or not.

When I relax and open my heart to someone, it is an invitation for them to do the same. It is an invitation to reciprocate, to be aware, to be present with me at whatever level we might be capable. We signal that connection in myriad ways, but the open heart is always involved. Even if the heart is open but a small crack, that instance of shared awareness never passes, it is never lost.

I allow myself to feel connected to all those with whom I have had those moments of shared awareness. Those were the moments when we conspired to look or listen and we entered into the same moment of time, we entered the same sphere of space. I think that those are moments of timelessness, a time of stepping out of the normal reckoning of the passage of time. They endure, they never go away.

I continue to experience those moments of reciprocal awareness, not as a grasping for some lost treasure but as an enduring expression of mutual awareness and joy. I don’t know if there was a beginning, but I am sure that there has been no end.

There have been many ways that other persons and I have opened our hearts to one another, but it seems all of them have endured. They are not experienced as memories, but as enduring instances of love.

Maybe that is what love does and why so many people resist entering that realm of awareness. I now know that those loving moments of love endure, especially those marked by reciprocity. Once I have opened my heart, that moment never goes away, even if I resist continuing to experience it.

That moment exists outside normal time. I may later resist that same form of openness. We may no longer reciprocate that instance of strong openness. But that open time of awareness and joy is still present. I have a choice whether to experience that reciprocated awareness.

So I routinely choose to continue to experience that awareness. I allow my heart to experience those reciprocated moments at least once a day. I knowingly invite all those I have loved to be present with me. I might as well do that because they are part of me, and they are waiting there to share in my awareness and joy.

I choose not to resist entering into that timeless embrace. It is not just a memory. It is allowing myself to feel an experience of reciprocated awareness that took me out of time. I meet that experience again and again, whenever I choose to allow it.

I want to experience what it means to be happy. That should be no problem because the ability to be happy comes naturally with being human. As a child, I experienced happiness just by being myself. Happiness is just part of my human mechanism, and not much of that has really changed since I was a child.

However, society has conspired to encourage me to want to be something else. As I learned to interpret the world around me, layers upon layers of cognitive patterns have been developed that interfere with my being deeply happy.

I was promised happiness in many ways and that enticement continues. Most of those promises were simply encouragement to conform to what others want of me. To be a conforming and welcome member of society, I had to learn to think in a certain way. It wasn’t long before I learned to be woven into an elaborate social fabric, part of which taught me to be a faithful consumer.

I am trying to reboot my mind and get back to that original state. My method is actually rather simple. I am working to develop a relaxed, attentive and bright mind, something I think I once had. I have to let go of so many patterns of thinking, but I am slowly discovering that a relaxed mind is happy and a source of happiness. A relaxed mind also allows me to be aware of everything in a new and deep manner. When my mind is relaxed, I actually experience moments of deep awareness.

This kind of happiness is not just for myself. It is the kind of happiness that we all can share with one another as we help one another to be happy. I am willing to share my happiness. It doesn’t actually require much effort because it simply means that I be openly happy.

I like to affirm the wonder I see in others, a wonder that I am beginning to see with more clarity. I want to share the pleasure that comes from the felt experience of being who we are. Just by doing what I do best, embracing the happiness of being who I am, I encourage others to do the same.

I regret all the times in my past when I was part of a toxic reciprocity in which we wanted one another to be something other than what we were. I would rather that those had been times that I chose to be around someone who helped me be in love with myself, and I had done the same.

It is a joy for me to be aware of who / what I am and share that realization and happiness with others, especially those who can reciprocate. It is the joy of an affectionate and loving bow with a close friend. Being aware of the world, including people, around me is part of my own self awareness. It works well when that awareness is reciprocated.

I am only beginning to discover this kind of happiness. I am beginning to allow it to sink in. I am beginning to allow the recognition of others to sink into my relaxed, at-ease heart. Reciprocity takes time. So does my learning the happiness of a relaxed, attentive and bright mind.