Author: barryschade@gmail.com

There is a sweet spot. The sweet spot thrives between past and present. It waits between desire and desired. It hovers between up and down. The sweet spot has no left or right. I find where the sweet spot resides by letting go and allow myself to fall freely into the Gap between.

The sweet spot shows up when I spend pleasant time with a friend, wanting it go on or repeat, but grasp neither continuance or repetition. We may want to get together again, even make plans. But the sweetness is in the experience of here and now, and not in the grasping for what might arise in the future.

The sweetness is in what is commonly called the present moment. However, a key to the treasure of the present moment is seldom offered. My key is in not clinging, not grasping for what is yet to come. The key is in not grasping for what might be pleasant or avoiding what might be unpleasant.

The sweetness is in understanding and feeling the force of desire without regard to hanging on to what is desired. It is a sweet spot to be.

This is a talk given at Blooming Heart Sangha on June 16, 2021

It is a huge challenge to walk the path of desire.  While challenging, it is also a path to deep awareness and enlightenment.  Desire creates a place where our inner life can prosper and grow.  Rather than cause suffering, desire can be very useful and a great resource.  Desire has great power even while it can be the occasion of great pain.

Actually, I think it is quite complicated.  That complicated nature of desire is reflected in the divergence I’ve read about in Buddhist traditions.  Some traditions embrace desire as a source of insight and enlightenment.  Some traditions attempt to suppress desire;  desire is often referred to as sensuous desire.     I think you have heard this.   I hear it often.  It is coupled with “sensuous” because desire can easily lead to clinging and grasping…..the Second Noble Truth.  That IS sensuous desire.

Suffering arises from desire because of our inclination to grasp and cling to the object of desire.  Problem: desire can never be satisfied because the object of desire can never be possessed.    The preoccupation with possessing the object of desire inevitably causes suffering.   Understanding and entering that gap ( between desire and object of desire) and entering into the Gap is the path of insight and enlightenment.  Some monks recognized this and embraced desire;   Some thought it was too difficult and attempted to avoid desire altogether. 

Desire, the strong inner attraction we experience, is natural and unites us all.   The moon is drawn to the earth, the earth is drawn to the sun.  I am drawn to other people, to trees, to dark chocolate.   There is a hum in all of us that reaches out for union;  it yearns for a union that I think only comes with enlightenment.  That potential for enlightenment is not always apparent when desire stirs a deep longing;  seeing the potential requires insight; also, the opportunity for enlightenment comes at unexpected times.  

Desire is a learning opportunity, a chance for insight.   I had one such opportunities of insight in my young days as a monk.   Once I was ordained, it was my practice of going to churches nearby and conduct morning services on Sunday, which included giving a sermon.  On one occasion, when I was putting things away after the service, a woman my age approached me.

We talked about my sermon, and then she looked right at me and said “It would be nice now if we could just go make love.”   I had been well-trained in the skill of controlling desire and said “Yes, that would be nice, but No.”   We hugged and never again spoke to one another.   

I’ve thought about that incident, not so much then as in recent years.  I don’t much think about the decision, whether it was a correct decision or not; (keeping in mind Lori’s frequent reminder “Are you sure?”)  I do think of the dynamics of desire, the pursuit, the inevitable frustration of not enough.  How that felt.   The incident, with all its raw starkness and power, continues to be a teaching moment, a source of understanding and insight.  

And that is one of the great values of desire.  Besides the power that desire creates, it always forms a Gap between desire and the object of desire.  The two will never meet, desire will never be fulfilled, union will never occur.   …….it can be a painful Gap.   Understanding that Gap is the way of insight and enlightenment.   

First I have to deeply feel the desire, then I can examine the Gap it creates.  That is where insight arises; in eastern thought, it is what is sometimes called the left-handed path.: experience desire, then enter into the Gap.

It’s complicated:   desire creates the space where inner life can grow.   Actually, I think the Gap is the same Gap between past and future, space and time.  The Gap is “the other shore, emptiness, unconditioned, unchanging, shelter”…….all the synonyms for Nibbana.   There is always a Gap between desire and the object of desire, between desire and another person, a tree, dark chocolate.  The desire will never be satisfied, union will never occur.    Being able, with an enlightened mind, to fully see and enter that Gap between desire and the object of desire is the union of Nibbana.   

Again, I acknowledge that there are different schools of Buddhist thought on this issue.  Thay says that monks avoid the problems of desire by following the monastic life.   I think, however, that Thay often taps into the energy and power of desire.   I especially think he captures the Gap in his poetry and writing.   Unfulfilled longing is interupted and dealt with by settling into the Gap, into the vast expanse of the present moment.  

I’ve obviously been thinking lately how desire livens up in my life and how it stirs mindfulness and insight.  Desire energizes my relationships with people I love, the plants in my garden, the food I eat at meals, and dark chocolate.  I eat food because I have built up a desire and anticipation, so that when I sit down at the table, I am more intensely aware of how I relate to what I am eating…….  I experience more mindful eating.

I open the energy of desire when I walk in my garden so that I am more deeply aware of the plants.  When I pull out my one piece of dark chocolate, I am very aware of the coming experience of melting bitter cocoa. 

It has become a frightening adventure for me to explore the gap between desire and object of desire. It seems a place of infinite risk and total letting go. There is no resolution or surcease of longing in the gap. Still, the gap also becomes an expanded space of insight and absorption.

The gap is a middle place filled with all the power of desire and longing without the possession of the object of desire. It is a place of unmeasured letting go and deep emptiness that spontaneously arises. The trappings of self have been stripped away in the gap and the burning ardor of desire is given full experience.

The gap is a place between an unrealized past and a longed-for future. Neither past or future can enter the gap. Regret and longing are cleansed of their meaning and lose their hold on me.

The gap is where all is revealed, the deep chasm of feeling is probed and everything is possible in an instant. For me it is where discontent is both accepted and resolved. The gap is both uncomfortable and a joy to savor. It reminds me of dark, bitter chocolate.

I had been thinking about being open to desire, and so I began re-reading Mark Epstein’s book by that same title. He helps me sort out the power and paradox of desire. I appreciate his sharing his multi-year account of how he struggled to sort out the dynamics of desire. The first time I read his book, I was pleased and gratified to find my intuition about desire put into words by Epstein. I resonated with the reflections of someone like him who had been schooled both in eastern thought and western psychiatry.

Both in the east and in the west, there is a strong tendency to suppress desire, push it out of the way, ignore it. To me this seems such a waste of dynamic energy and misses the opportunity for enlightenment. To my buddhist mind, it ignores the invitation to walk the middle path.

I would rather befriend desire and not push it away. I want to invite Mara to tea. The power of desire is in its energy and its relentless pursuit of the beloved, whether the beloved is a person, plant or piece of rock. The paradox of desire is the importance of not grasping the beloved, not clinging to some outcome. The middle path requires giving up any notion of possessing the object of desire. Desire invites free-fall without any grasping for recovery.

Desire has often been associated with the sensory alone, and so it has been held in a prison of mistrust and suspicion. In the east and west, desire has been kept at a distance, typically under the control of a monkish mind that does not want to deal with desire. Fortunately, there have been hidden traits in both eastern and western thought which did not regard desire as the enemy but as the sacred. That is the path I choose to follow.

Desire is part of the natural energy of the universe. It is the attraction between the earth and the sun, it is the dynamic activity contained in an atom, it is the pursuit of an object of love. Resistance to desire is against the nature of things, as is clinging to the object of desire. Desire is a power and a paradox I joyfully embrace.

I live in a world where I am surrounded by circles of engagement. Within each circle, there are different levels of engagement, different levels of intimacy. As my heart reaches out, the broader circles seem more distant and I have a wispy kind of engagement. Closer in, the circles become more of a free fall arena, my heart is open with great exposure and boundaries become blurred.

No more needs be said.

Culture cheapens love by attempting to make it safe. Whether it is love for people or anything else, love is surrounded by cheapening safety devices and protections. Everything, everyone is expected to come with a safety jacket.

Outcomes are guaranteed and promises are made of life-long stability and reliance. Whether it is a loving relationship with another person or with the watch I put on my wrist, I have been taught to expect something akin to a lifetime guarantee. By attempting to dispel the reality of risk by casting an illusion of safety, love is cheapened. The bud is stifled from opening.

Uncertainty is the essence of existence. Attempting to shield from uncertainty robs me of the exhilaration of living fully. Love is all about opening my heart to embrace whatever presents, to things as they really are. A safe love, a safe life is an existence robbed of its essence, its savor. It is much less than it can be. It is cheap.

“….the gift of knowing self as free fall…..” – RWT

Humans are essentially unpredictable. As is my every day. This is especially a problem for someone with Autism of any kind. Then again, maybe it is a challenge we all have to address. Or not.

I have spent much of my life gradually coming to an acceptance of this reality, but often still wishing for predictability. I am also aware that I often offer a path of uncertainty to my companions. Barrygardenpath is a generous, open invitation but it is not predictable.

All around me are strands of the eternal. These are not something waiting for me in the future, but are all around me right now. They envelope me and welcome me as soon as my mind pushes back the blankets of sleep. I become aware that I am brushing up against the strands of the eternal as I touch the cold granite of my bathroom counter. They shape the tiniest crevices of my hands as I push against the carpet, lying flat and face-down on the floor.

I too easily forget what it is to experience this magical aspect of my world. I try to remind myself of it and feel it when I walk through the long wet grass of my garden and acknowledge plants one by one, group by greening group.

I know that strands of the eternal have woven the multi-layered, mis-matched fabric of my life. I can still feel the soft embrace of the velvet forest as it has repeatedly invited me into a world just beyond what my eyes and skin could perceive. I welcome the memory of those times when the eternal strands were so self-revealing that I could easily take hold of them. I knew this was where I belonged.

I might too easily forget the experience of eternal strands that were woven into the moments I spent with those individuals I have opened my heart to love. First loves were an explore, and thereafter I gradually learned that this embracing of the eternal strands was to become a daily way of living. I keep the memory alive by daily again acknowledging all who have allowed me to become interwoven into the fabric of their lives as they too explored their own eternal strands.

I am aware that all around me there are hearts reluctant to surrender to the reckless open-heartedness required to enjoy the deep joy of these eternal strands. They know there is little safety in being in love with the world, being in love with other individuals with abandon. Falling into the realm of the eternal is like stepping from an open door of an airplane, believing somehow I will be able to fly.

This seems to happen all the time to me, and I am no where close to sorting it out. I just know that in spite of many experiences that feel like reaching into thin air, there are also moments when I clearly brush up against the eternal strands. This happens anew again and again. I experience how the eternal strands yield to my touch, and I am reminded of the world to which I belong.

I believe in magic. It is what comes out of the floor when I lie face-down on the carpet and feel the vast solid foundation of the world beneath me. There is magic when I step through the stone gateway into the wildflower garden and feel the welcoming embrace of the expectant plants.

Because of magic, the touch of a green face towel reveals its thrilling texture as I put it back into its metal ring. I sit and talk with a beloved friend without urgency, and the electric magic radiates all around us.

The magic is always there. I just have to pay attention. For me, paying attention means that I let go of all interfering beliefs and surrender to the transparent belief in magic. Each morning, I settle quickly on to the edge of my bed, and because I have let go of all else, all notions, the magic grabs me and opens my awareness to more than I could otherwise see or feel. Magic whisks me away.

I have spent years living in a world of belief created by religion, and I now see that those efforts were attempting to create their own form of magic. So much of my religious belief required surrendering to a reality I could only imagine to be present. The imagined belief helped capture something of the magic, but it got so complicated by doctrine and obscured by illusion. It was a magic largely based on nothing real, nothing actually present.

I am now choosing more to pay attention to a magic that rises not out of my imagination but out of what is actually present. It is a magic radiating out of what manifests immediately before me or inside may body. This is a magic that comes directly out of the vast universe. It invites me to experience it through all the forms I encounter. I may be touching the floor of my bedroom, but the magic of the reality beyond the fuzzy carpet works on me.

Looking back, I now realize how often I have walked on the margins of this magical world and never realized what I needed to do to enter in. There were those who invited me, but I wasn’t aware how to respond. Perhaps there were times that I did actually cross over and partially recognized where I was.

Today, I choose to allow the magic of the universe to work on me more routinely, again and again. More and more, I am finding myself in a magical world. I think I can be at home here. I invite my companions to join me and enter this magical world.

I know how this story ends. What interests me is what is on the pages I turn, one after another. This book is written in the present tense only. There is no future, no speculation, no predictions. It is mine to savor, feel the heft of the book constantly, one page at a time.