A great obstacle to my being able to say “Yes!” to the world is my sense of self. For me, self is a reminder of Paradise Lost. It reminds me of losing that original state I experienced when I was born, of losing a time that I felt connected to all things. As soon as I was born, that primordial and unspecified experience was quickly interrupted by sensory experiences that fed me notions of separation. I emerged into a flurry of experiences that convinced me that I was a separate self. Now I try to return to the lost paradise experience of being connected to all things.
Individuation seems to be a requirement for functioning in the world. Growing as an individual gives me a framework for reacting to other human beings and all entities around me. But individuation comes at a price. To attain a notion of separation, of identity, I had to embrace the myth that I am separate. I see that I have stepped into a paradox of contradictions. I am both connected and I am separate. I practice at holding that contradiction as close as I can.
Aware that I function as a self, I practice at ridding myself of self. I practice at entering a realm of nothingness. I allow myself to plunge into a realm of formless perception. Without form, I once again exerience what it is to be connected to all things. I not only glimpse the lost paradise but I also momentarily step into it. All six of my senses dissolve and let go.
The paradox of that experience is that it has a foundation in the senses. I usually begin with touch, and then I embrace all my senses. I embrace them only to quickly let go of them. Maybe it is more like entering into them in such a way that they no longer function as senses. I deeply accept them, I free them, and they free me. The sense of self drifts away. Without my senses, I plunge into the brilliant and infinite darkness.
I cannot explain it any other way. When I lose my sense of self, I find all things in the resulting void. I forgot what that was, what I had lost, as soon as I emerged into the world. I could never have known what I was missing until I experienced it.