There I go again, sitting on the edge of my bed as I go over the scheduled events for today and for the several days to come. I am planning. I think of what I will wear today, what I will eat, when I will leave for the memorial event later this afternoon.
Then Rosemerry reminds me that I am once again “planting myself in the future as if it will be easier to be present then than it is right now.”
Planning is a habit of mine that has served me well, allowed me to see future outcomes, design more efficient ways of guiding programs and staff to where we want to go. It is also a habit that has become a distraction and an allurement. How much more difficult it is to dwell in what is happening right now and be fully absorbed in the present.
I am fortunate not to be pursued by what has already happened. I seem to be able to walk away from the past. I can feel the absence and emptiness for what has been in the past, but I am not shackled by regrets. I am not readily pursued by what has been.
The future is another matter. Perhaps I simply feel and yield to the deep magnetism and energy of desire that makes me want to have 20/20 vision of what is to come, to anticipate the next moment. I want to be prepared, and so I think that everything will fall into place if I plan and anticipate well. Sometimes that actually is true, and planning often has a favorable outcome. But it comes at a huge price.
I think that I miss the deep joy of what it is like to be present. So that is becoming more of my focus these days. I try not to think about where this or that will lead. Instead I concentrate on what is taking place right now. I enjoy it more. I understand it more. I feel more whole. I am more connected. My feet feel the ground.
Thank you, Rosemerry, for the reminder .