The past seems so elusive to me, even though its shadow seems to show up and somehow enter into every day. Sometimes it shows up at my invitation, sometimes by chance. Perhaps that is just fine. It is just fine that my grasp of the past is so fleeting and only seems to have a moderate influence. It is probably better when I am not grasping at the past at all.
I’ve been aware lately how much fragments of the past are woven into the zig zag fabric of my dreams. Memories and images in my dreams even go back to my youth and become the stuff that my dreams are made of. Memories from the past that show up in my dreams always appear in contorted and tangled fashion, but they still contain the illusion of a distorted but vibrant reality. Those traces of memories show up in my dream world and seem to be happening right now.
In some ways, my waking memories are like those in my dreams. The waking memories are not so obviously contorted or fragmented as they are in my dreams. My memories of past experiences still can seem as vivid and real to me as an observer as they do in my dreams. I am also aware that my waking memories of the past are altered by the experiences of the intervening years.
What I think I so clearly remember is, at least in part, a fabrication and distortion of my creative mind. I suppose that is not very different from what I think I directly experience on a daily basis. My creative and orderly mind is shaping and giving meaning to what I remember from the past and what I experience here and now.
What I observe and seem to experience today is shaped, formed and made to appear real right now. How much more must my memory of the past be shaped by my active, creative mind. It all gets more complicated when I try to hold on to the past. It becomes a source of discomfort and dissonance when I attempt to grasp the past and bring it forward to now.
There are times when I not only remember the past, but also long for those moments, those experiences to be part of me right now. I can ache with longing for the past. I grasp for the past, and I forget, perhaps ignore, that there is only the present. The past is only a distorted, selective memory. It becomes almost easy to yield to the sadness and the longing for something that is a fabrication of my mind.
Actually, I have more of an inclination to try to live in the future than in the past. But the past still calls to me for attention and engagement. I forget that the past is no more real than the future that has not yet arrived.
Those are the times that I hope to remember that both the past and the future are with me right now. It is a good time to remember how the passage of time is something of an illusion . If there is a reality to be absorbed, it is the timeless reality of now. I live in a moment that has no real past or future aspect. And I also live in a moment that contains all the fragments and elements of both past and future.
Daily, I remind myself that the past is with me right now. I consciously welcome into my daily life all those individuals who have been an important part of my life. Welcoming the past is a notion that is comforting and helps me relax into the present.
There is no need to grasp what I seem to recall from the past. There is a now to be experienced, shaped as it is by the past and all the fragments of the past, those remembered and forgotten. The past is with me in a real way. I don’t need to fret about a lost past because it is with me to enjoy throughout the day.