I keep being surprised by the effects of my meditation practice. Not only does it seem a good, even pleasant thing to do. It is also pragmatic. It works by making my life “off the pillow” more grounded and less stressful.
I had the chance to talk about this last evening at our first virtual gathering of the Blooming Heart Sangha. I gave a talk on “Practice That Is Working ” and that gave me a chance to think about this issue in the days leading up to last evening.
Most of all, I became very aware of those moments when my practice was not working. Those were moments when I noticed that I was not at all grounded and I was unusually stressed.
I primarily noticed that, more than normal, my focus has been on the future this past month. I’ve been concerned about what is likely to happen, thinking about where things are going, how long this might continue. I have been paying less attention to the present moment, to what is happening right now.
Second, I noticed how often I’m involved in a projection of myself, my concerns and my anxiety. When I grabbed the olive oil bottle, I instantly thought “How long will this last, do I have enough?” When I got out the broccoli, I assessed “how much broccoli do I have left, do I have enough, how long before I have none.”
Survival skills are useful, and have helped make us the successful species we are. But my survival skills had become accentuated, and I have been challenged to keep them in balance. My consciousness that is a projection of self, mannas, has been especially strong as I repeatedly, habitually engaged in excessive planning.
A third thing I noticed was my habit energy, my strong inclination to do things I am accustomed to do. For awhile, I frequently thought about and planned to go grocery shopping. I struggled with a strong urge, a felt need to go to the grocery store. I was often drawn out of the present and what I needed to do at that moment.
I realized eventually that these things I noticed were obvious to me because of my practice. My practice has allowed me to notice that these things are happening. My practice of observing the operation of my mind made me more keenly aware how I was getting off a stable, helpful track.
Because of my working practice, I am more aware of what is happening in me. Not only am I aware that it is happening, I also have deeper insight and understanding of its nature. I also think I am more deeply aware of how I share a common experience with many other people. I am more aware of my connection with nature, one another, the world.
This awareness has helped me recognize that I have an opportunity to go in one of two directions: fear and anxiety or mindfulness and calm. I have a choice, and I have been doing a bit of both.
One practice that has helped is something I learned some time ago: pause and allow mindfulness to settle in my body. Thay teaches us that a bell sound is an invitation to pause, to allow mindfulness to settle in. For me, I began to recognize the moments of anxiety were an invitation to pause, to allow my body to relax.
After an initial period of anxiety, I learned that when I thought of olive oil or broccoli running out, I could recite a reminder: “Breathing in I relax my body; breathing out I smile. Dwelling in the present moment, I enjoy this wonderful moment.”
This recitation, this collection of words has created a momentary space where I can relax my body. The pause has become a space where I can look more deeply and kindly at my anxiety, my suffering. This is something my practice makes possible, even easy. I know how to not turn away.
This simple, four-line gatha helps me draw awareness into my body. It allows me to feel the stored sense of resilience, the storied experience of self-regulation. The gatha creates a moment of mindfulness, much like a sounding bell. It centers me in the here and now. It allows me to step back and observe my anxiety about olive oil or broccoli. It allows me to feel the sensation of a relaxed body. It allows my awareness to settle into my body.
My practice is more than the pleasant awareness that comes with sitting on my pillow. It also brings me moments of clarity and quiet during times of possible stress.