They were just two short sentences, but each was a wise reminder of how I aspire to be a parent. Last evening after my book group gathering, one of the members said two things that shocked me in my tracks and reminded me of two aspects of parenting I want to possess, each of which has been out of focus lately.
I was reminded that what I give of value to my young-adult children is not advice, information or guidance. What I want to give primarily is loving support and the confidence that they will figure things out on their own. My days of advice-giving have passed. I am no longer a parent-teacher. What my young-adult children value more, and require more, is my steadfast support and encouragement.
My children, in fact, don’t want advice or even subtle suggestions. They are annoyed by most of what I tell them to do. What they want is my full-bodied confidence that they have the power and potential to sort things out and be a full human being. They each are well on their way on that path.
I was also reminded that I do not want to project my issues onto my children. My issues are for me to resolve. My anxieties are mine and not those of my two children. If I require my issues to be dealt with by how my children run their lives, we are both going to suffer.
How my children live their lives are now their affair, not mine. How I live my life also belongs to me alone, and not at all to them. Decisions they each make are likely to be different from mine. I want to habitually step to the side and not attempt to walk in their footsteps or expect them to walk in mine.
I will address things they do to the degree that they directly affect me, but I do not want to be invested in how they choose to live their lives.
I was reminded of my resolve not to give advice to my friends, family or children. I was reminded that I am determined not to make my sense of stability dependent on how my friends, family or children act.
I suspect that I always will be a parent to my children, but the way in which I am a parent has changed. I am grateful that I was reminded of that.