Something has changed. A little over a year ago, I was on a retreat with a group of gentle Earth Holders. A startling experience from those few days was the ease with which my tears began to flow. I found that when I allowed myself to feel anything at a deep level, I would begin to cry. It was totally spontaneous and uncontrolled.
It was something that stayed with me for weeks after the retreat. If I allowed myself to go to the deep feeling spot, I would involuntarily tear up. I sometimes sobbed and became unable to speak. It happened at live concerts when I allowed myself to sink into the music of Beethoven. It happened when I talked about my experiences at the retreat. It sometimes happened when I sang.
It is now over a year later, and the tears no longer happen so readily. There are moments that I feel near to tears, but I don’t have a tearful response to hearing Beethoven’s music as I did months ago. I don’t so easily cry.
However, something else is happening. I may no longer venture into that deep place with an upwelling of tears. However, I do go to that adventuresome place more easily and frequently. I experience the same deep wave of joy that surges through my body, but it comes without tears. There is no uncontrolled rush of tears. I find myself in that same wonderful and lovely place throughout my days, but without tears.
I find that I can choose to settle into that deep experience without the tearful overflow. When I remember to go there, there is no surprise of tears. Instead, I can sustain for extended moments the embracing rush of excited joy, and then slowly let it go. There is no interruption of tears, there is no release or overflow. The joy simply hovers with me and attaches to whatever I am doing.
I now seem able to contain the experience and reside in that lovely place without losing the feeling in a sudden rush of tears.
I am aware that something happened last spring when, one morning, I accidentally surrendered to the feeling of plunging into a deep well of undefined awareness. It was a brief brush with a feeling of emptiness. It was so startling that I was concerned that I might have had a small stroke or seizure. I checked in with my doctor who assured me that my body was likely OK. But I remained startled.
About a week later, I summoned the curiosity and courage to allow myself to follow the path to that same formless place. It is now a familiar route.
Ever since then, and with some practice, I seem to be able to take that same uncontrolled plunge with little resistance. It has become a familiar pattern, but without tears . My mind becomes light, buoyant and bright. A ripple of contentment surges through my whole body.
I feel the same surging energies that were unexpectedly released during and after the retreat. But now there are seldom tears. Instead I typically feel a calm that accompanies, perhaps channels, the enthusiasm and delight.
Now I am curious to find where those tears make their future appearances.