For much of my adult life, I have lived in a dream world. I am becoming aware how much of that illusory world has been shaped by cultural consensus. So much of it has also been shaped by my willing fabrication of my notion of myself. From one perspective, I have thrived in that dream world so affected by lies. But it is a dream world. As an older person, I am realizing it is time to wake up. And it is about time.
It is time for me to let go of the old goals and outcomes that have seemed so important to my culture and myself. Letting go of my old ways does not just happen easily or over night. It is a slow process of becoming aware. Intention, as critical as it is, does not bring about instant awareness, but it does light up the path.
I am gradually learning to live a new kind of life that is open to ambiguity and uncertainty. My attraction and attachment to outcomes and to a way of living is slowly fading away as though it was a dream I once lived. If there is anything I might call success, it is becoming more aware. Gradually, the past lies can disappear.
There is a new kind of rawness that allows the melting away of the old illusions. I am becoming more familiar with rubbing up against a world that is uncertain and unpredictable. I am developing an awareness that comes from raw experience and not something that comes from cultural convention or concepts.
Surrendering to this awareness is like the experience I have of falling asleep. I find myself falling into a world without preconceived notions and shapes that constantly seem to change. I surrender notions of how things should be, aware that those illusions diminish my awareness. I neither resist what shows up or get attached to what is desirable.
I am weary of living in a culture preoccupied with lies and fabricated illusions and expectations. I want to free myself from the lies we share about our world and about ourselves. I am intentionally giving up an impersonation of myself, and opening myself to a free adventure of becoming.
I want to make each day something other than a replication of yesterday’s lies. It is not too late.