The distinction between what I think and what I feel is not what it once seemed to be. What a surprise it has been to discover that to feel is so much more than to know. Perhaps it is a deeper way of knowing, without all the cognitive frills and references that now seem to have cluttered up my life. Things have gotten much simpler. And a lot more clear.
Doing it “right” is, for me, not so much about knowing as it is about feeling. My mind may still clamor to know, inform and instruct. But union, intimacy and absorption is about my ability to feel, not know.
I now think that mindfulness has little to do with mind, except perhaps to set an intention to be aware, to be full of this or that. Perhaps the word should be “feel-fulness” because the experience of union and absorption is not one of the mind but what seems to me to be more of the heart.
My mind must relax, let go of its appointments and duties for me to truly feel. My mind may gather and present data, information and perceptions. But it is the heart that truly knows. There is nothing rational about feeling except for the signposts the might lead to what I feel.
For me to feel is not a reaction, not emotion. To feel is a letting go, a reaching out, an awareness at the deepest level. Emotions may arise, but they are a response to the heart feeling, the awareness. What I feel is not an emotion, but it is an open door to what is present, an opening to an experience of awareness. To feel is not to react but to be intimately aware.
For me, to feel is to enter into presence with a rock, a plant, a person. It is neither good or bad, neither positive or negative. To feel is to be present with a deep sense of awareness.
To feel is to experience overwhelming joy. The mind is finally completely at rest, at ease, without agitation. The mind even seems totally disengaged. To feel is to arise at formless insight, unshaped awareness. It is to know without any reference to past experience. When I feel, my storehouse of experiences is of little use, except perhaps to guide me until that shapeless moment of awareness.
To feel, I must forget. All that has transpired before now has lost its relevance, and I know as for the first time.
Memory, for me, may even cloud or distract my ability to feel. When I reference myself or what has gone before, my clarity of feeling diminishes. The memory of myself or my experience is a great distraction. Self-referencing keeps me from the deep feeling. I am most aware when I ignore that it is “I” who is feeling. The more I am aware it is I who feels, the less likely the feeling will be deep or intimately engaging.
This has been a wonderful shift in awareness. For me, letting go of my rational supports has lifted the fog and revealed a new and exciting landscape. All I have to do is feel, and feel alone.