Deeper

I’m not really sure about all that is going on, but I have this feeling of gradually going deeper and even deeper. I’m noticing how it affects the way I look at people, how they seem to have more of a richer individuality than I might have recognized in the past. It has been a slow and evolving process.

Even the walls of my room seem to have more substance and presence. My contacts with living beings, plants, animals and people all have a deeper aspect. I even see how this happens while I watch those naughty squirrels bound across my yard.

When I watched the seven performers on the Orchestra Hall stage yesterday, I was aware of them in an almost tactile way. They seemed more present than I can remember in any past experience. Today, the memory of their presence comes up with a sharpness that seems etched ever so slightly in my own heart. Something of them is still with me. I can feel it.

As I remember them, each of the seven performers is distinct in how I remember them. Each is somehow unique, each has their own characteristics, each has their own voice. It is as if I had reached out and absorbed part of each of them, four men and three women. Today I feel like I must have experienced them with a deeper alertness and awareness such that their presence lingers in me.

Even as I am recognizing this deeper way I experience the world, I am also aware that it is uncertain whether others can accompany me in this adventure. I struggle with the growing recognition that I am venturing into an assortment of experiences I will perhaps encounter all by myself, alone.

I may long for a deeper connection with people, plants and the planet. However, I am not sure how that is going to happen with people. I think that the desire to connect with people must be reciprocal. Humans have this unique power of being able to control their transparency. Even for well-meaning individuals, the ability to be present, transparent and self revealing requires a degree of self awareness.

I am finding that I can go to that deeper place with only a few of my companions. Even with them I have not enjoyed the kind of reciprocal awareness I would like to have. For now, it is wonderful just to experience the presence of one another as best we can. We are doing our best, and that is rich enough.

I see that there are an assortment of factors limiting the connections I have with others. We struggle with limits because we still have underdeveloped skills to be present. Fear of letting go and plunging deeper limits our relational awareness. We each have our chosen constraints, aspects of our life-styles, that limit the depth to which we can connect. We each struggle with a myriad of conditions, personal and circumstantial, that we have yet to overcome.

In spite of some frustration, I am noticing that my grasping is diminishing. I am slowly letting go of my attachment to my deep desire to be connected. The desire remains, but I am weakly engaging in a kind of surrender. I am not giving up, because I don’t consider deep connection a futile enterprise. I am accepting that I and my companions perhaps just need time to grow, and the deepening will occur.

While I may not be certain, I do believe that the deeper awareness will come with them or with others.