It is no longer enough or adequate enough for me to say that I am aware of someone. What I actually experience is affection. While this is especially true for numerous people in my life, it is also true of my plants and rocks. I’ve known this for months now, but it has been slow to emerge in words for me. I may speak of being aware and having an open heart, but what I really am experiencing and expressing is a deeply felt affection.
This realization has been growing since my retreat this summer. During the retreat, I had many situations when I exchanged bows with someone, even someone that I might simply run into while walking along a path. I finally understood that for some, the bow was more than a mutual exchange of recognition or awareness. It was an expression of fervent and mutual affection. I recognized myself as a giver and welcomed what I received. It was wonderful.
Now, when I speak of awareness, the word has such a cerebral, almost steely and aloof aspect to it. It does not at all reflect the depth of feeling that stirs when I become aware. Along with deep attention, I typically experience a deep feeling of affection. I’m recognizing this as a common experience for me.
It has been much easier and familiar for me to speak of the affection and excitement I might feel when I see plants blooming in my garden. It is more risky, maybe even too invasive, if I speak of the deep affection I feel when I meet or talk with someone. Speaking of affection indicates not only a special kind of attention but also a kind of absorption that generates deeply held feelings.
It is easier to speak of awareness, which is true. But that word, awareness, may mask the depths of what is actually happening. The experience of a relationship, even a passing one, can involve so much joy, glee and enthusiasm. However, I am reluctant to say all that.
I may go so far as to say how glad I am to see someone or be with them. But even that does not express what I am actually feeling. I have often told the gathered members of my Sangha that my bowing is an expression of affection, not just respect or acknowledgement. I am careful to allow myself to feel that affection whenever I bow. I am careful to live in a moment that overflows with more than just awareness. I take the time to allow myself to feel the accompanying affection.
I know that acknowledging presence is only a part of what I experience, and there are times that the experience of presence is shared. I know what it feels like to share that deep feeling of acknowledged presence. The level of absorption in one another is sometimes what I experience, and it gives me great joy to recognize it.
I think that joy in sharing presence is what happens when I have an open heart, and I am aware that someone else has the same kind of open heart. For me, simply experiencing my open heart can be enough for me to feel the deep loving affection. This often happens without anyone else being aware of it. However, it is blissful when the experience is mutual and shared.
For some time I have noticed that I have been training, practicing and experiencing awareness. Only recently have I realized that the focus and concentration involved with awareness produces deep feelings of affection naturally. The object of focus and concentration stirs more than awareness. Deep feelings of affection easily arise.
Now that I realize it is present, maybe I will begin to learn how to speak of affection.