I have moved in the kind of world where so many things feel uncertain. I’m pretty sure that I have made this move deliberately. I am neither sure that the path I have chosen will be satisfying or that I will want to continue.
So much of the past life that I chose to live is fading away. There is a lack of clarity about what lies ahead, including what lies immediately in front of me. Sometimes I feel like I am stepping into a mushy cloud where there once was solid ground. Sometimes my mind is enveloped in silent darkness and only sees a wide grey, pre-dawn horizon.
This uncertainty has permeated so much of my daily life. It includes simple things like accepting the ambiguity of the bus arriving on schedule, the unpredictable delivery of the morning paper, the delayed arrival of a friend. Uncertainty especially shows up in how I relate to other humans, including those closest to me. I am no longer certain what I expect in relationship with anything, but especially friends. I seem mostly to be able to focus on broad notions and intentions.
I have chosen to live by myself, meaning that I deliberately choose not to have a life with a partner. I am convinced that the security, certainty and definition of having a partner is mostly an illusion. I don’t see that choosing a partner fits into my life. I am choosing to stay away from the illusion of certainty offered by having a partner.
However, I don’t know what that decision implies. I’m not at all sure what I am stepping off into. Uncertainty reigns.
Not a day goes by that I don’t reflect on what it means for me to be alone, without a partner. The one notion I keep returning to is that I want to be deeply aware of others and be deeply involved with them. For this, I don’t have much of a guidebook.
I do not want to possess others or have the guarantee of a permanent connection. But I want to be deeply aware of them, who they are, what is happening right now. I resist the allure of a certain future, as I attempt to embrace the notion of an unplanned future.
My culture offers some time-tested models of how to establish a lasting and certain relationship. The success rate is rather low. The kind of intimate relationships I intend to develop are more than the typical physical intimacy of lovers. I want an intimacy built on mutual awareness, mutual presence. And I am uncertain whether that is possible. I’m not even certain how to attempt to do it.
I see that I have stepped into an uncertain arena which seems to lack definition, and it has few markers left by others who have successfully gone before me. Maybe that is why it feels so uncertain.
This feels like a spiritual opening that invites me into nowhere. Maybe that is what happens when I choose to step into an arena where all possibilities exist.
As I try to shed a life defined by known concepts, I am moving into experiences that have little precedent for me. I am deeply uncertain about many things, including how to relate to other things and other persons.
If I am genuinely giving myself over to exploring, I feel I must shed all prior notions and expectations. I must give up the notion and pursuit of certainty. About all that is left is my determination to remain acutely attentive and aware.