It is with a deep feeling of vulnerability that I invite others into my living space. As I descend deeper into those realms where I am truly alive, I am somewhat surprised by the instability I feel. As I let go of control, as I allow myself to relax, I am aware how much feels totally out of my control.
I’m not at all use to that feeling of things being out of control. I am not accustomed to allowing others to enter into that out-of-control part of me. But I just keep moving forward.
Living with the notion of impermanence seems to allow for little stability or predictability. I’m not surprised to figure that out. I suppose it is a logical thing to conclude. I am surprised how vulnerable it makes me feel. This is especially true of my relationships with others where I seem to want reassurances on at least an occasional basis.
As much as I entrust my vulnerability to my Sangha, my fellow mediators, I am not sure they are capable of being the kind of stabilizing group I would like to have. I am still waiting to see if they are capable or wiling to go to the scary places I am beginning to explore. As a group, we still typically dabble in the theoretical arena more than we dive into the personal places that we live. I am not assured that I can rely on them to be present.
It seems to come with being vulnerable that there really is no safe place. Safety only comes with the predictable, and there is little that is predictable in vulnerability. I still have a tendency to grasp for assurances of what the future will be like, even while I have learned to rely on the future less and less.
All around me, I seem to be moving into an uncertain and different future. Fortunately, I am able to relax about that at least a couple times a day. Small assurances come into my living place, and for now that will have to be enough.
To live with vulnerability I want to stay as closely focused on the present as I can. Grasping for a certain future may offer ephemeral assurances, but it is not at all stabilizing once the veil is pulled back and I realize that the future is only an imaginary realm. I am especially not sure who will be there as a companion in my future.
It is not easy to yield to being vulnerable.