It has been somewhat of a gradual process, but in a little over three years, I have suddenly learned a lot about how it feels to be non-dependent. Even though I had spent decades knowing about dependence and how stifling it could be, I was apprehensive when it came time for me to actually choose to be non-dependent. I was somewhat tentative about taking that step, but I gulped a deep breath and took the plunge.
Now my feeling about being non-dependent is robust and firm. My intent is clear. My experience is affirming.
For me, being non-dependent is not quite the same as being independent. Being independent implies a kind of aloofness which is not at all what I want or experience. I want and appreciate closeness, especially an intimate and open-hearted connection with my companions. I have been learning what it means to have a non-grasping relationship with them.
I am gradually settling into the feeling and acceptance of being alone. There still are times that feeling alone is unsettling, even de-stabilizing. I am learning that there is a place of stability inside of me that I can reliable go to. I only have to relax and concentrate into it. I can be my own port of refuge from the anxiety of being alone.
I also have a small group of friends and companions who I know are there and with whom I am connected. Most of them reliably respond when I text, email or call them. That small circle has been slowly growing and I want it to continue to expand.
When I am in contact with them, I can offer them a mooring line as well as receive one. I have become very comfortable and at ease in being fully present. I am happy that I have companions with whom that is easy, possible and accessible.
I recognize that my own stability in being non-dependent has made me a more reliable and stable port for others. I am very comfortable in inviting others to enter my private garden. It is a place of joy and refreshment, and I feel at ease in sharing those delights. My own stability can be a source of refuge for those who choose it.
I sure like the feeling and effects of being non-dependent.