Present

I am having a wondrous time uncovering what it means for me to be fully present with someone, especially someone I significantly care about.   These people are all those with whom I have had a lovely  exchange of open-heartedness.

I see that there is no small amount of fearlessness about the experience.    I need to plunge fearlessly to be truly present.    I am finding, however, that the courage to be present is so much more a facile action when my emphasis is on the now.     The future is irrelevant, the past is interesting but only in as much as it embellishes or explains the present.

It is a moment when I am most acutely aware of what is happening now, and I can be deeply present.    I am not paying attention to  building a structure or foundation for the future.    Even if that may actually be happening, and I may be obliquely aware of it, my focus and intention is on the present, what is going on right now.

How freeing it is when there is no intention or presumption on continuance.   We are attentive only to what is happening right now in this present time together.   I am starting to think that perhaps some lives are best lived as a string of airplane conversations.    Plunge then come up for air.    Then plunge again.

This experience reminds me how unfortunate it is that the societal tendency and intention is to focus on continuance, the future.    It is grasping in a culturally enforced form.    I have been taught to grasp the experience and grasp the intention to continue it.    People ask ‘where is this going, what is your intention?’

Being present is often not enough in my society and I am encouraged to  attempt to preserve it rather than simply being open to being present again and again.

I think society has, in fact, created a damaging structure that often erodes the experience of being present by promoting marriage.    This institution and practice attempts to enshrine the wonderful experiences of being present in a structure that just doesn’t work for most.

We are encouraged to enter into a relationship that guarantees that we will “always be together, present for one another, to death…….”     This is such a lofty promise that it is beyond the realistic reach of most humans.    It is a promise that actually is undermined by being constantly physically close to one another.

There are practical reasons for living together.    Economics encourages it.    Raising kids requires close cooperation, presence and effort.    But the actual being together makes it more difficult to be fully present to one another.    It is possible, but hard.    My experience has convinced me of this reality.

This, of course, is a good reason for me to choose to live alone.   I get to come up for air.     I hope that there will be individuals in my life with whom I can take the plunge and  be fully present.    I hope to share the joy that rises from being fully present.   But for me, this will have to be on terms that offer little security, little assurance of permanence.

Any assurances to the contrary would be illusory and false anyhow.

I think that this approach actually makes me more capable and available to be present.   I can be much more focused on the here and now if I am not constantly thinking of where this will lead.    I rely on my awareness and insight into what is happening now.    And then I take the plunge to be present.