My response to a question of ‘who’ I am has certainly changed. There was a time that I myself pursued an answer to that question, and now that is beginning to seem so irrelevant. As my notions of self continue to evolve, it is all becoming more of a blur. At the same time, the response of ‘who’ I am seems to become all-embracing.
On the outside, I imagine myself as appearing as a hollow sphere, a ball inflated to a certain size, even distinct and distinguishable. I imagine myself as appearing defined and occupying a place in space.
From the inside, however, all I see is the surrounding, all encompassing inner surface of the ball. My world is both all around me and is also all of me. There is no other, I imagine very little beyond what I see.
On the outside, I imagine myself appearing to others as a labyrinth of human traits. I am defined, actually, by none of them. I like to refer to myself as a Gardener. It is a simple term, and it is what I see on the inside of the ball. So it has become a useful term to use when I describe ‘who’ I am.
In a broad sense, Gardener is an apt metaphor both for ‘who’ I see myself to be, and for how I see myself interacting with the world. I walk through the world with all the tenderness and care a gardener extends to the beds of plants. I am not afraid or hesitant to stoop occasionally and pull out weeds that I think are not part of my sense of Beauty. I rearrange plants so that they may relate differently to one another and to me.
‘Who’ am I? I feel like an alien to this world. I have abandoned a good part of my illusory relationship with reality, and I am beginning to see all things and people with fresh, alien eyes. I am living inside, but I have outsider’s eyes. As I look about, I have a paradoxical notion of no longer being part of my surroundings. At the same time I have a most intimate relationship with plants, rocks and people. It is an intimate relationship with basically all I encounter.
I feel like I am less and less of this world. I am on the outside, looking all around inside. All the while I am aware that I am a great song that has penetrated all that exists around me and I am part of all I can see.
I suppose I am less of a ‘who’ than I once was. ‘ Who’ I am has become hard to describe, but I still attempt to do it to help others understand. All the while, however, I am perhaps no one. I have this growing notion of being no one and not needing to be some one.
It is not so critical any more that I be a ‘who,’ that I be some one. Perhaps that is because I am gradually becoming aware that I am in everything and every one that I touch.