When did humans divide themselves into male and female genders? Certainly, this division was more than a separation of function, in the role each plays in reproduction. At some time, this became a separation into categories of who we are and how we see ourselves.
At some point we became male vs. female, and the two are not always complementary. The tension and antagonism pulls us apart. We are pulled apart within ourselves as well as within relationship. How do we ever put ourselves back together again?
The Creation and Fall story in the book of Genesis is a testimony to the division felt in those who wrote the story and who passed it on. It is a felt division, a split between the genders in society and in us as individuals. We became male and we became female. At the core of this separation is a sense of betrayal and distance that is difficult to overcome. One acts against the other.
This is the story that I grew up with and it resonates with the social conditions I experience. All through my adult life I have tried to reduce the role of the male side of me and reunite the two. I am perhaps only now figuring out how to do it.
I think I was born with both aspects in me of male and female. I learned the role of one of these to some degree, but the two have never been rejoined. I have spent a lot of my adult life trying to reunite these two parts of myself.
Society has helped as the rising gay tide has ignored or blurred some of the definition of separate genders. Transgender expressions are also a strong attempt to bridge the division in individual people and in society.
My comfort with an androgynous inner self has been my way of bridging the male and female aspects of me. I think my preference for female companions has been because of my interest in associating with my own people. I sometimes think that I enjoy the company of women in whom I can see a part of myself reflected.
As I plunge into deep emotional parts of myself through the experience of meditation, I am gradually uncovering some of the female aspects of myself. This was especially evident in my recent five day meditation retreat and all the expressions of deep emotion since then.
I recognize that I am mostly male identified. But the female part of me is becoming a more evident part of me. I like that the separation the male and female parts of me is being diminished.