Being romantic is a tricky notion. It can mean a lot of different things. For me, most but not all of them are negative.
A few days ago, when I heard myself telling someone that I wasn’t offering an invitation to a romantic relationship, I paused. Just what did I mean, and why is it so easy for me to say that I’m not interested in a romantic relationship. Actually, I could easily add that I don’t see it in my best interest.
There probably are come common notions or implications when people speak of romance. For me it isn’t quite that simple.
Romance, I think, speaks of fantasy, something not based on reality. It relies for its energy on what could be or might be, not what is here and now. A lot of relationships are built on this shifting base, and often end up interesting and exciting but very shaky and ultimately disappointing.
Romance is dependent more on dreams than on what actually exists between two people. It is not exclusively that way, of course, but romance depends heavily on fantasy. If two people have a romantic relationship, it usually has more to do with their hopes of what might happen between them than the reality of what actually exists now. It might even have some of the power and effect of psychedelics. Its sustenance relies on a heavy dose of serotonin.
In my culture, romance has so much to do with the desire to possess, and that is why I have such a negative reaction. When people are in a romantic relationship or want to be, it has more to do with themselves and their security than with one another. Romance is heavily fueled by wanting the assurance of the other being present, always. The other is of significance only to the degree that they can be possessed.
The cultural representation of romance is dripping with expressions of ‘one and only’, ‘together forever,’ ‘happy ever after.’ All notions of desired stability and possession rather than open-hearted awareness.
Romance usually has the connotation of a sexual relationship. If people say they have a romantic relationship, it is customary code to signal that they are being sexual with one another. Romance often has a goal and expression of sharing sexual pleasures with one another.
The two notions of romance and sexual activity have gotten so aligned with one another that some of their attributes are shared. ‘One and only’ is often part of romance, just as it is typically an expectation when people share sexual pleasures. The goal has the attribute of permanence or at least lasting a very long time.
Both romance and sharing pleasures are typically expected to get memorialized in marriage. ‘Happy ever after’ is often the pictured outcome of romance. People ask, “So when are you getting married?”
I don’t think that a close friendship is any less loving or dynamic than a romantic relationship. In fact, in some ways it is more wholesome. With a close friendship, it is more evident that the aim is not to possess, contain or restrict. Basically, it lacks some of the negative attributes I see in romance.
I do not seek to lock anyone or be locked in a one-on-one relationship, and so I don’t see a romantic relationship in my future. I want my close friends to know that their freedom and singularity remain intact. There is no illusion that we will ever be ‘one.’ Unlike a typical romance, there is no implication that they will ultimately be just like me. There is little value in our being or becoming alike.
I do not want to possess or be possessed by anyone. I suppose I am giving up the mythological notion of stability and accepting the uncertainty of relationships. I am both interested in and intertwined in deep, loving relationships. Each is unique and none of them has the notion that we are or might ever be a couple.
I do not want to be coupled. I want a community of companions who are willing to walk closely beside me but have their own independent lives. We might share many things together, even the pleasures of closeness, but as clearly separate individuals.
The irony of this is that I am actually ‘a romantic’ in a certain sense of the term. I am simply not one who craves romantic relationships, in spite of their occasional attractiveness. I want my friendships to be based on reality, what is here and now.
I am aware that even my being a romantic can have kind of a dreamy, ethereal aspect. I know that is part of me, a product of my imagination, and I can easily go to that place. However, I want my friendships to be grounded in what is real and not in floating loosely in what my imagination creates. I am choosing against romance.