It has been a difficult but deepening lesson in acceptance. Once again, “The Other Shore” has been a help in sorting things out. I think that I both understand better and accept what is possible in connecting with other people. While I see limitless, formless possibilities, I also try to balance that with the realities of now.
I both have a clearer awareness of what is possible in my connections with people, and see better the persistent limitations. My days of retreat both deepened my general awareness of reality and improved my insight into the kind of connections that are possible. I am grateful for all the connections I experienced last week, and I am accepting that they are in my past. They have shown me what is possible, and opened my own heart to those expanded possibilities.
It has been a difficult lesson in non-grasping, of not trying to make last what only happened in a ‘now’ I can no longer experience. Actually, the ‘now’ that was there a week ago is still part of me if I can simply relax and allow it to be. I think the dimension of time is sometimes fading for me.
Most of the connections I felt with people were with women, as is my general pattern. I think most men seem incapable, unskilled in the kind of connections possible between humans. It is mostly women that seem to be capable of allowing the kind of openness I experience, but only a select group of them as well.
When I think back to last week, the women I remember most were those who were not afraid to show an open heart. The men I remember who showed the same open-heartedness were few, but there were some.
It is the same in my Sangha and the rest of my life. The people who express the courage to go deep, to connect with awareness, are typically women. There are perhaps two men in my life who are willing to meet me on a deep level. They are far outnumbered by the women willing to do the same.
I lament that the women I know are mostly shackled by circumstances of their lives, including the customs of primary relationships and sexual preferences. I often notice how cautious both men and women are about taking the plunge. So I simply go on loving them as best we can.
Now, however, that I know what deep awareness may feel like, I am faced with figuring out how to integrate that experience into my life. It is one thing to finally accept that the past is gone, but the present is with me.
I know that the deep connection is not something likely to happen routinely, but I am consciously open to it now. I am also accepting of all the various plateaus that I share with my loving companions.
I know that it has been my mistake to try to capture closeness by choosing to live with someone. I am not convinced that sharing pleasures is a favorable path, pleasant as that might be. I am also not about to attempt to stabilize or preserve connections by setting up expectations. Even while I am aware of what is possible, I am much more accepting of what is present now.
I am so grateful for those who have opened my heart to new levels. Like Orpheus, I dare not look back but attend only to the now. This is what I accept, knowing better now what is possible.
I release the past, and in that small gesture, I have become free. But my heart has been forever changed.