I know that it is called a ‘Retreat’. But for me it has been more of a deepening, not a lot about retreating. That said, I am pleased that I just finished a five day retreat in the woods at Camp Courage, with approximately 150 people. I have been deepened. I am a bit surprised.
The experience was much more than I anticipated, and I am so pleased. I had a bit of resistance going into the retreat, partly because of the emphasis on monastic engagement and because of the structured arrangement. I was cautious of the monasticism because I am wary of repeating my own past experiences. I found that I could be engaged with the monastics without being drawn into reflections on their life-style and comparisons with mine. I benefited greatly.
Even though I rely on ritual, I am also resistant to being told what to do. That resistance displayed itself when I learned that there were to be no shorts. Humpf! I found that wearing long baggy pants was not only OK for me but it added to my feeling of ritual. How about that!
It took about a day, but I finally allowed myself to slip into a deeper way of thinking and feeling. Actually the two amounted to the same thing for me. By being more attentive in a deep manner, I became much more relaxed at the feeling level. Mind and heart were the same. My heart gradually opened more as I was better able to focus on what was happening in and around me.
I learned a new and deeper level of open-heartedness, best evidenced by the uncontrollable tears on my cheeks during final songs. This came on top of my recent practice of living more open-hearted on a daily basis, which means that I fall in love rather frequently. This is not the arcane, sappy romantic love but one that comes from the experienced, felt presence of someone else.
As a friend of mine warned me, I was likely to fall in love if I went on a retreat, and of course I did. The kind of openness I experienced with so many people was a perfect open-hearted path for falling in love. The whole retreat setting cultivated open-heartedness and the experience took me to a deeper level.
I know that I had been forewarned about this, but I was still surprised by the breadth and depth of my loving experience. I was also surprised when I collided with someone that I felt a deep kinship. There have been occasional people in my life that have felt to me like a brother or sister that I never knew I had. I think I just found another.
On the first morning after my return from retreat, I am learning the lesson of not grasping. I am attentive to the danger of my grasping for the retreat experience to continue. I know that I cannot grasp and attempt to prolong the glow.
I remember well what it all felt like, what the relationships with myself and others were like, how I responded to my environment with such depth of feeling. I am aware that grasping for that to continue will cause me suffering and provide little benefit.
Instead, I am feeling what it is like today. I am beginning now. Today is my new ‘retreat’, my new deepening. I know what to do, I will simply allow it to happen again and again. I remember very well but I am not focusing on what happened. I am not about to retreat to the retreat. Nor am I absorbed about the future and what might develop.
Today, I am absorbed in what is happening now. The retreat has come and gone. I am so glad for what it was. I am so glad for what is now. Today has a deeper feeling to it.