So much of my energy is spent on shedding what I have become. The words of advice I have heard throughout my life have been telling me what I could or should become. “Become all that you can” has been a common theme, one that I still hear from time to time.
I’m beginning to suspect that this is just plain wrong advice. It is especially wrong for someone my age.
I am noticing that I give more and more attention to un-becoming what I have become. I’m noticing the sad shallowness of much of what my culture has taught me. I ardently want to unlearn it, put it all aside.
In some ways this is nothing new to me. For much of my life, I have been resisting the forms and standards placed on me by my culture and my social inheritance. I have not wanted to be a typical male. As recent as this week, I found myself saying to someone that I really don’t pay much attention to sports. More than indicating a lack of interest, I think I was making a declaration that I don’t conform to the social norm of being a Vikings fan.
Over many years, I have been peeling back the veneer and discarding my religious identify. I’ve not only survived this gradual abandonment, but been surprised and saddened by the shallow emptiness I have uncovered. What once I considered realities I now see as stage props, aids in stirring my imagination. I have so un-become religious that I am now suspicious of anything that appears to be religious. I constantly look beyond the trappings and see mostly the emptiness inside.
I am slowly un-becoming white. Being white is an identity that subtly influences so much of my world view, and I never realized it. It is not enough to resist all the aspects of being white in our society. I am trying to find ways of un-becoming what I have inherited.
I have been taught well on so many fronts, and I have been an eager student. So many teachers, so many aspects of society have shaped me like the hands of a potter, and I have often yielded like soft clay. I am fortunate that I have discovered that I can remain soft and flexible in some ways. I have grown suspicious of the potter’s hands.
Being soft means that I want to be familiar and relaxed with what is, not try to shape it into what gives me comfort. I especially have no interest in giving comfort to my culture.
I, only now, realize that I can truly know the world and myself when I soften my edges and allow myself to blend into what is real. I do not want to continue to reshape the world or myself into something I have learned might be satisfying.
First I have to un-become what I have become, allow my margins to melt and no longer try to give shape to the world around and inside me. I want to let go of all the images I have created of myself and my world. Unlearning is not resistance, it is becoming soft and yielding. Un-becoming what I have become is my way of understanding. I see things as they really are. Softness leads to true awareness and understanding.
When I un-become, it is easier for me to ignore the past and future. I can better focus on what is here and now.