It was a risky thing to do, but I think it was a calculated risk. More important, I embraced it with only a little anxiety.
Yesterday evening we were in the midst of an April blizzard. There was lots of snow on the ground and more coming. A friend of mine and I had tickets to a performance of “Lovett Or Leave It” downtown and she was stuck north of Minneapolis, unable to get out to the main road. I was looking out my window at the bus stop across the street and thinking of the bus I had seen pass an hour or so ago.
A bus might take me downtown, and there might be a bus to bring me home again after the performance. My whole body jumped into the decision: Yes, I’m going to do it.
Unable to convince several others to join me, I waited for the bus by myself. The bus finally came. I could hardly see what was happening outside the fogged windows of the bus, but I did notice another bus stuck in the snow a few blocks from my home. Other passengers and I exchanged light conversation about the uncertainty of bus service being available the rest of the evening.
I stepped off the bus downtown into deep snow, attended the performance, then made my way to the bus stop a couple blocks away, fully aware that there might be no bus showing up. I had vague contingencies in my mind, but I was focused on a #9 bus suddenly appearing on the nearly-vacant street. And it did! I joined a handful of people on the bus, which slowly took me to within three blocks of its usual stop. I walked thru deep, unshoveled snow to my home.
My risky decision to rely on the bus had paid off. However, I thought it had been a relatively close call. I very easily could have been stranded at the bus stop downtown.
Unlike last evening, I really think I am normally a risk-averse person. I don’t like uncertainty, unpredictable outcomes. Much of my life has been very cautious and somewhat calculated. I often plan in some detail. Being able to consider and predict likely outcomes actually helped me in the work I use to do.
I also have this unpredictable, almost intuitive response to risky situations that sometimes propels me outside of my comfort zone. When I say “Why not”, it is not a real question but the first move in a bold leap. This sometimes confounded my co-workers who expected more calm caution, my routine safe approach.
I don’t pretend to understand this embracing of risk. I do know it has added savor to my life, and for that I am glad. Except for a few injuries I still carry with me, I have survived intact.
It also helps me that I am becoming more immersed in the notion of impermanence. I think that uncertainty actually rules my life, in spite of any effort I make to make life predictable, so I might as well embrace it. I am actually becoming more flexible and yielding to the many outcomes that I can hardly predict and even less control.
Basically, life is very risky. I hope to enjoy the ride, without regrets.