I have struggled with the feeling of indebtedness that I have to the Franciscans with whom I spent twelve years of my life. They are a community of men who educated me, shaped me and prepared me for a life in their community. Then I dis-robed, I left.
I was discussing this with a friend recently, and he insightfully said that the Franciscans had given me as gift. I think that is true. I have had an effect on my world in ways I never could have had if I had continued, as Neruda said, with cassock and biretta.
While I can take some satisfaction in the traces I have left on the world in the past half century, it is the training and education of the Franciscans that shaped much of that work. My roots, to this day, show their monastic origins.
Every morning I dedicate myself to be a ‘guardian of nature,’ a role I typified during the years I spent in governmental policy dealing with the environment. I routinely describe myself as a ‘gardener,’ an identify I began to take on as a novice with the Franciscans. I was always the one who created and tended the flower gardens, wherever I went.
I see myself as a ‘healer of misery,’ an attitude that was cultivated by my years as a Franciscan. For me, that often meant releasing people from the legalistic burdens imposed by the Catholic Church, a role that eventually nudged me into leaving the official role of a priest.
I daily pledge myself to be a ‘messenger of wonder,’ a role that continues to unfold with each exciting new day. It was as a Franciscan that I learned to look beyond the ordinary and the expected and focus on dreams and untested realities. It is a habit that I took into the work place and into the St. Stephens community. In a simple manner, I helped others to reach out beyond the obvious and trust their own sense of wonder. My experience in the world of wonder allowed me to tell others that it is rewarding to trust their own heart. I learned this from the Trubadour Vagabond known as Francis.
As much as I daily aspire to be an ‘architect of peace,’ I am not aware that I have yet learned that skill. People tell me of my calming presence, but I am not sure. I have begun to experience an inner peace, but it has been many years developing. There are still many sharp and rough edges. The Franciscans may have nudged me to become an Instrument of Peace, but it is an instrument still being fashioned.
I am grateful to the Franciscans who have given me as a gift to my community. My community is unaware for the most part, but there are some who can recognize the Franciscans for what they have given. I wish the Franciscans could be as aware themselves of what a gift they have given.
I sense that most of them look inside and see what they have lost by my leaving their community. When I have reached out, they have not been able to respond. They have not yet raised their eyes to see what a gift they have given. That would be very hard.