Mindfulness has become more of a solitary experience for me. When I sit down on my cushion, I am very aware that I am very alone. It is a place that I can only go by myself, in spite of all my desire to have companions. It is nothing anyone can experience with me.
Ever since I began to experience the joyful energy, the deep relaxation, the pool of contentment, the clarity of thought that comes with mindfulness I have wanted to share that discovery. I have wanted to bring all my friends along. I have wanted them to experience what I had discovered simply because it was so wonderful. I wanted this not so that I would have company but simply because I wanted them to sample and experience this wonder.
I am gradually accepting that the passage into mindfulness is a narrow and secret passage. It accommodates only one person at a time, and the passage has contours that fit that person alone. I cannot bring anyone along with me. It is a solitary passing, and no one can walk beside me.
I can help my friends to find their own way, but they will have to fashion it for themselves. There are many common aspects and similar approaches. But the passage is a personal one and I think no one can be completely taught the way.
I have already learned from a variety of teachers, but I have basically had to rely on what I have taught myself. I have learned what I have chosen to experience. I continue to discover what works for me. It is a solitary passage meant only for me.
The paradox for me is that when I sit alone on my cushion, or walk alone across the parking lot, I do not feel alone and disconnected. My experience is of a vast emptiness with no shape. In the same instant, I experience a connection without bounds or shape. I have the feeling of falling into a vast void and plunging into the midst of everything.
It is such a solitary moment that I am not even sure I am there. It is the closest I feel to a no-self. Little by little, there is no other, there is no me. Sometimes, I feel like I am lying on the dock at my cabin and staring into the night sky above me. The vastness is so magnetic that I feel like I am falling into it and becoming part of it. There are no stars, only deep darkness.
I am in love with my companions. I love the time I spend with them and take deep delight in being present with them. I often want to drag them into what I know is possible, but I know I cannot. It is a solitary place that I must go alone. There in is no room for anyone. There is only room for no-one. Even I have to surrender my-self to go there.