(This is the current draft of a talk I plan to give at the BH Sangha on October 18)
When I joined the BH Sangha, I ran into an immediate stumbling block: the third Mindfulness Training that deals with sexual misconduct.
I cringed: ‘Here we go again, social custom trying to dictate spiritual practices.’
‘More Monk talk.’
‘Besides, what does sex have to do with mindfulness training!’
It has taken nearly two years to change my attitude about the third Mindfulness Training.
It has taken reading much of what Thay has said about love and sex.
It has taken listening to and reading other teachers.
I can give you references, but now I am going directly to my conclusions
At this point, I think that, like the other 4 mindfulness trainings, #3 is about gaining insight
Mark Nunberg and thers taught me this.
The path of true sex, good sex, is about insight.
I think that the mindfulness training on sexuality like the other four mindfulness trainings,
Training on sexuality is a training in mindfulness, in insight
Sitting in meditation is a training in mindfulness.
It’s where I learn: This is what it feels like.
Such is so with the third mindfulness training.
The third mindfulness training is not a standard of right and wrong, but a suggestion of how to act to become more mindful, more aware, more insightful, more enlightened.
This mindfulness training is my own personal sex education.
Sex training is taking, the practice of being mindful off the cushion and into my daily life.
Into the present moment.
Let me make this more concrete.
Just like practicing mindful eating, I think practicing mindful sex has three aspects. The most obvious one is restraint.
We all choose to be celibate at various times, and that restraint is an opportunity to grow in awareness of our sexuality.
Walking past the case of pies at Cub and choosing not to eat deepens awareness of what good eating is about.
I go to class twice a week at the U of M, look around the room of 240 young students.
in the words once spoken by a monk in a similar situation, “I like but I do not want.”
At that moment I am in touch with and very aware of my sexuality.
I know very well what it feels like to be alive.
It is practice.
A second aspect of training in mindful sex is being attentive to the ideal.
I think this means opening my mind to what is possible with mindful sex.
It also means being aware of the harm of unmindful, sexual misconduct.
It means paying attention to both favorable and unfavorable consequences.
Maybe, after being sexual in a not very mindful way, you’ve felt ‘not so good’ afterwards.
Remember what it felt like after you know you ate too much.
I remember that I could expect a fight, a row with my partner after we were sexual. I never learned from it.
And the third aspect of training in mindful sex is the practice.
It means practicing actually being fully present.
As Thay describes, I take awareness from the first level of a sensory experience to the second level of unity.
Not just one flesh, but much more.
Like all mindfulness practice, I learn, have the insight that there is more and opens me to experience it.
Mindful Sex is like mindful eating of food.
Eating food can be primarily sensory, exciting, entertainment.
Sex can be primarily sensory, exciting and entertainment,
Eating mindfully increases insight into eating.
Mindful sexual activity increases insight
Mindful, aware sex is natural, good sex.
It is loving sex, naturally.
Reb Anderson taught me, in spite of what society tells me, we are all joined, we are not separate.
It reminds me that we actually are interdependent, connected.
Mindful sex can be a natural, concrete experience of that connectedness.
It can nourish, comfort, inspire.
Good conduct sex is practice in awareness.
It can increase awareness