I spend time reflecting on what it would feel like to be in a relationship with a companion without grasping or attachment. I am convinced that it is possible, I just am not sure what it feels like or looks like. As I look around me, there are plenty of examples of relationships based on grasping, but not much evidence of relationships with open awareness and presence without constraints and without suffering.
Most people I know want to be given strong guarantees before they are willing to be intimately present and unconditionally connected. In this society, we speak of a committed relationship as an expression of this intent to be unconditionally present. This takes a number of forms, but there is usually a tension and discomfort about the uncertainty even in a committed relationship.
The notion of a committed relationship is usually built around expectations of exclusive, maybe unconditional presence and connection. People go to great lengths to guarantee that they will not experience loss. People grasp onto a relationship with whatever social guarantees they can conjure. It is all about wanting to ensure a predictable future.
I think it is hard to experience the physical aspect of a deep relationship without the fear of loss showing up. The momentary and exhilarating experience of connection, of unity, immediately reminds most people that this too is passing. The experience of connection is hard to sustain without maintaining a deep awareness of the true connection that already exists naturally.
The inability to maintain a continuous awareness of connection feeds the feelings of fear, grasping and attachment. In an attempt to remedy this, society provides promises and guarantees that there will be some kind of continuity. Unfortunately, it is an illusion. And it often doesn’t work.
People make promises to one another about the future, but in reality they can only express the intention that they have here and now. They cannot give a guarantee. I can say, “I am here for you right now,” but there is no possibility that I can say, “I will be here for you tomorrow.”
Grasping for assurances that cannot truly be given creates a false sense of stability and security. Worse, the grasping leads to attempts to control one another so that expectations might be enjoyed. The imagined image of a future relationship leads to grasping and attachment to an unreality and to great suffering. It is a setup for disappointment.
I want relationships with my companions to be based on the here and now. I intend to develop my ability to be truly present to anyone I am with. Whatever flows from that I would like to be free of grasping and free of social expectations.
I think this is an option for everyone.