Learning to be comfortable with being alone was just the beginning for me. Before anything else, I had to quiet down and immerse myself in the feeling of being alone, something I mostly avoided in the past. In many ways, I have been even anxious about it. It seems now that I have come full circle, and are things really different!
I love being alone. As much as I enjoy my time with many individuals, I look forward to being alone. It is from that vantage point that I have observed that society is determined to keep us apart. Even while it gives us many messages that stroke our fears of being alone, it sets up many expectations and structures that keep us separate and not really present to one another.
This is not about technology. Technology is not to blame; it simply reflects our chosen life style. The fabric of our connections with one another is woven by much more subtle social norms that technology simply supports and reinforces.
In our culture, we have our own space and materials. We honor those who amass an abundance of space and goods. Our attachment to the things that are “ours” serves as a barrier to many others. We have fears that encourage us to protect our things, even if it means killing someone who threatens our space or possessions.
We live in nuclear families that are built on the illusion of exclusivity. The nuclear family, most often defined as marriage, is to be not just a source of emotional and physical closeness. It is usually seen as the only or primary source. Relationships outside the nuclear family are suspect and must be handled with care. Others are a threat to space and possessions of the nuclear group. The expectations on the nuclear family are set so high and exclusive that success is rare and the experience of most is abandonment, disappointment or settling for less than is wanted.
Societal structure keeps each of us in our own space. Rather than rush into one another’s presence we keep in the place we fear: being alone and unconnected. In spite of some occasional words of praise, hugs are suspect and not at all common. Even when proffered, most hugs are weak and whimpy, a quick gesture and not a deep embrace. It is no wonder we retreat to aloneness. Social norms have succeeded in keeping relations on the surface, lacking energetic presence and with little warmth. It is no wonder we are surprised when the social distance is transgressed.
I am much more comfortable being alone, and I design a good amount of time to being alone. In a strange manner, I feel very connected even when I am alone. I am also much better at being present with people. I no longer doubt my ability to carry my aloneness with me, and that seems to make for more opportunity to be deeply connected, more intimate.