Every day, I still pass up opportunities because of my caution. On top of it, every day I also seem to miss opportunities because of the caution of others. Where is the boldness to be in the moment? I sure would like to live out each moment to its fullness, but hesitation seems so stifling for me and my companions.
I am getting much better about simply acting, trusting impulse, leaping in. Sometimes it feels like a dam has just broken when I allow the energy to rise from some deep spot inside me, and I just “do it.”
But I am finding it is hard to find other people who are able or willing to reciprocate that energy flow. Allowing the moment to flow, not resisting what the moment brings is hard enough to do on my own. Finding others who are able to do the same, without caution about the future, seems nearly impossible.
How often have I heard or sensed a caution because of what they think “I expect” in an interaction I wish people would just do what they want to do, and I will do what I want to do. It is best not to meddle in one another heads.
Maybe that is part of the curse of my being on the autism spectrum: I am much more inclined to take things on face value, and I don’t try to adjust to what I think is in someone else’s head. I try to pay attention to what is in my head, not theirs. Frankly, I find what is in my head much easier to understand.
I know that being able to interpret or anticipate someone’s malicious intentions may have been an aid to my survival. However, I prefer to use that skill very infrequently. It’s not the way I want to live my life.
Trying to interpret what is in someone else’s mind is such a stimulus of caution. It means living in my imagination and not in the reality I actually experience. Imagination, especially the imagined future, is such a fertile ground for fears and caution.
I am trying very hard not to live in my imagination, especially not to live in an imagined future. I find that I experience caution a lot less and joy a lot more. I seem to have survived just fine.