It has been pretty amazing that in my old age I have actually entered a new Age of Discovery. I have finally figured out, absorbed the ancient wisdom that the more I grasp and try to control, the more I am deterred and suffer. I knew this in a kind of theoretical way, but experience has planted it deeply in my gut.
I learned it as I slowly let go of something I really wanted, moments I had savored and wanted to continue. I wanted the continuance even though the reality may have only existed in my imagination. It was a simple but lengthy process of evolving, a process I trusted even though I had never experienced its outcome.
I was hardly aware of this evolutionary process as I sat and settled into a time of clearing my mind twice a day for months. The moments of grasping for something I so badly wanted showed up less and less frequently. My sticky connection to the memory gradually loosened, and now I am mostly free.
Evolving is not an abrupt or obvious process for me. I scarcely knew its beginning and doubt it will have an end. However, I have stepped into the process with both feet, and am very unlikely to back out. I have discovered dry land and the only direction I see is forward. It is a process I have some skills to manage.
Each moment is beginning to be something brand new and I welcome them. Each moment flows over me with a constant feeling of fresh newness. The past quickly fades away, except for lingering signposts of moments that have been. I will never recover them. Neither can I basket the passing, joyful moments. I know that grasping them will only cause me frustration and suffering.
This is an journey of evolution only I can take, even though there are companions that can join me for a time. I am so grateful for my companions and welcome their walking with me. I know this is can be confusing for them at times because none of us know where this is going. I trust the process.
I know that I am committed to evolving and savoring each new moment, then letting it go. There is no assurance that the path will be anything but lonely and dangerous. But I think it will turn out all right.