I seem to know who I am, but when I try to explain myself it seems that I can only reference something else. In spite of seeming crystal clear of my presence and parameters , I can mostly explain myself only by pointing to something else, or to someone not actually me. It is as if I have definition only by the relationships I have to realities distinct from me. Or maybe I just want them to be distinct from me.
One of the first questions people seem to have is “Where do you live?” It is one of the first things I tell them, defining for them and myself where I fit into the universe, the geographic scheme of things. What is my place, where are I am anchored, am I anchored at all. A lot more is signaled when I tell them that I live in Bryn Mawr, west of downtown Minneapolis. They instantly know a lot about me, and I identify myself by where I live.
One way or other people want to find out “Are you in a relationship?” They want to know if I am alone, dating, married, divorced, etc. I am subtle and evasive about this, and somehow signal that “I live with my son, Sorin” For me this is a delicate and dangerous question because so much of my past identity has been intertwined with my close relationships. It is not just a category for the benefit of others, but it has been a significant marker of my own sense of who I am.
I have been me only in relation to someone else, and the magnetism of that kind of defining relation can be powerful. I have almost habitually given part of my identity over to someone else. I might as well have their picture on my driver’s license.
Now I will not be part of a couple. I do not want to be seen, identified as part of a couple. I do not want to feel part of a couple.
I consider myself a Gardener, which speaks of my relationship with plants. I am someone who attends college, which explains my relationship with a learning environment. I am a dad, which gives an identity based on my relationship with two sons. I am a male, which has meaning only because there are females.
The list could go on and on, as it has in my head. It reminds me of a concept in physics that says that reality exists only in relationship. I would like to think that does not apply to me, that I can have an identity apart from everything else.
For now, having a separate and personal identity will have to be my working hypothesis. I want to be able to have an unattached sense of myself, and I especially want to have an identity apart from anyone around me. However, I have a mischievous suspicion that tells me I will eventually figure out we are all actually one.