I know it is my cultural background that I have such an association with sleaziness whenever someone speaks of an “affair.” Having lived in a Catholic environment simply reinforced what society was already impressing on me and my attitudes. Just last evening, as I was reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s writing, she used the word “affair” and I noticed that it drew out all the sticky, messy feeling that the word still haves for me.
I actually think that an affair can be a wholesome experience, genuine and responsible. The notion of an affair has gotten a bad rap because the culture has put such an emphasis on restricting love and sex to marriage, to an unending commitment to be a couple. I’ve come to think that this is not only an error, but it is even harmful. Thay and I don’t agree on this. In fact, my own feelings don’t seem to agree with my mind.
I think that affairs can be an opportunity for unconditional love. This is not the love associated with the feeling of “being in love.” Unconditional love is freely given, expects nothing in return, is transparent. It is based on an awareness that comes from mutual openness. An affair based on unconditional love is not grasping, is not possessive, is not dependent on the security of promises.
Love of this nature does not come easily. It is something I may be learning how to practice for a long time yet. Something I have noticed its that genuine love does not end. It does not go away, even though an affair may end. Love is an openness that simply persists and will endure even when a relationship ceases, no matter what form that relationship has taken.
Our culture may have many good reasons for trying to institutionalize love and make people expect a loving relationship to last forever. I think that is not normal, even if it is possible for some. I think setting up the expectation and illusion of a permanent relationship promises a false security that undermines love. Disappointment is inevitable.
So while I acknowledge that few affairs might be ideal, I think an affair is an opportunity to learn to be totally in the moment. It is an opportunity to tap into the energy of desire without grasping. It is an opportunity to be totally focused on the individual present without expectations of return. Experienced this way, affairs can be timeless.