I am developing a revised notion of what it means for someone to been of my beloveds. Thanks to Elizabeth Gilbert, I am beginning to make a helpful distinction between present and absent, real and imagined, them and me. I’m slowly shredding the mythology my culture has taught me about relationships, coupling and marriage.
By my own experience, and the guidance of Gilbert, I’m realizing what an unfocused distraction a beloved can be when they are absent. I conjure up images, I have unspoken conversations, experience imagined interactions. None of it is real, but my body and feelings respond as though the fantasy is actually happening and I am part of it. My mind and emotions are held captive, all by an imagined exchange. I am so distracted I miss out on what I am actually doing. This is not a good or helpful thing to do.
I would rather learn to be wholly present and attentive when I am with a beloved. I want to apply this to anyone whom I love. When they are present, I want them to be totally in my mind. When they are not present, I want them to be out of my mind. I don’t want a fantasy to be the source of my delight or my agony.
I do not want to give any of my beloveds the power to direct my attention and energy when they are absent. I want my beloveds to become a focus of my attention when they are here. This is a gift I want for myself. It is a gift I offer to anyone I love.