It all began when I was rummaging through a box of old photos, looking for images of my family and ancestors. In those treasured photos of people I once knew or hardly knew, I saw images of my younger self. Almost in a glance, I saw all those years of my former self. It seemed like many lives rolled into one. Some felt so familiar I could reach in and touch them. Others so strange I hardly could find myself in them.
The memories of having “been there” were nevertheless so strong. I sat on the couch, and it was a piercing vantage point from which to review where I’ve come from, where I have been, who I have been.
So who am I now and who am I becoming? The caterpillar has entered the chrysalis and the transformation has begun, but the outcome is so shadowy. Some things I can decide, perhaps even determine. So much is outside my control and will be shaped by events yet to come.
I know that I do not intend to hand my changes over to someone else, as I have done so much in the past. I have often allowed, even invited someone else to be a significant part of my formation. Their way became my way. I soon figured out that one of us had to be in control, and I acquiesced.
I want to find my own way, even though I do not have a clear idea of what that involves. I know that I want to experience my presence and the presence of others in a more aware manner. I know that I do not want to continue to use my imagination to shape my relationship with the world. I am willing to continue to change, but not reshape reality to conform to some kind of image, whether friendly or not. I may even want to be surprised.
I want to have open eyes this time as I emerge from my changes. It is a beautiful world, and I want to see it, neither change it nor be changed by it. I intend to be prepared to love what I see.