I think that I once kind of knew what it meant to be normal. All I had to do was look around and see what human beings were like, and that became my measure of what is normal. Now I’m not so sure. In fact, I’m not at all sure what it means to be normal.
I recently heard from a friend that what I was experiencing through my growing mindfulness was not as normal for humans as I had claimed. I’ve thought a lot about what she told me. I think I’ve lowered my expectations for my fellow humans in the process.
The joy I’m experiencing in so many moments of the day may not be normal. I think that I’m OK with that. I don’t think my abnormal practice by which the searing blade of joy is whetted to a sharp edge is very common. Cultivating awareness and the joy it brings is not a soothing balm for me. Awareness comes from persistent effort and diligent grinding to remove the entanglements I have clung to. It is work.
The illusions I have unknowingly surrounded myself with have to be unbelieved. I have to keep shutting my eyes and deliberately step through my familiar illusions. Only then do I find that my eyes had actually been closed for a very long time, and I am struck with a brilliance I never knew stirred behind the fantasies. My two dimensional world leaps at me in 3-D.
Perhaps pursuing joy is not for the faint of heart. It largely comes to those who decide to let go of assurances and consolation and step through the mirror. For me it means not getting caught up in the fantasy and drama of the news. Last week, I listened to the news for only two days before I realized I was being drawn into the illusory world the news creates. I am challenged by my wanting to be aware of what is happening without being distracted and drawn into the fantasies.
For me, it also means not getting drawn into my imagination. I am so easily caught up in the imaginary world of memories and plans. It is not until I give up that world of images that I find joy in what is happening right now.
The path that I am exploring may not be normal, but I think it is what I want I also hope to have companions along the way. I know it means giving up the stability of permanence, but I am not prepared to give up having a place I can call “home”. It means I will wander thru mystery and give up the indulgences of certainty. It means that while I will have no “committed” companion to salve my loneliness, I hope I will walk with others.
It may mean departing from normal and leaving the assurances and illusion of normality behind.