My being alone is something that has been on the edge of my attention for a long time. Now it has moved front and center. As much as I enjoy living by myself and immersing myself in my aloneness, I routinely feel a strong attraction to breeching that aloneness.
I know that having a strong feeling of being alone is essential to my growing in awareness, mindfulness. It is part of letting go, not relying on the comfort of another’s presence, living completely in my own skin. Being alone is an essential part of the human condition, and I have been learning how to be comfortable with it, how to welcome it. It has not been an easy path.
At the same time I am convinced that I must have companions that I love and support, that love and support me. I welcome other humans who can be with me in the intimacy of mutual awareness. I want to give support and attract the support of others, while still being anchored in my aloneness. For me, it means embracing the desire without grasping.
It has become the paradox of being part of the one and still being aware of being alone.
I am burdened by a culture that has confused companionship with the trappings of coupling. It has put unspoken expectations on relations between men and women, and severely limited how men become companions with other men. It certainly is a distraction for me, even made it more difficult to experience and accept being alone.
I know I have companions, and for that I am grateful. I am still unsure what we can and will share, and I am uncertain of my grasp on my aloneness.